So it’s late, or early….don’t know which! I was out tonight at a friends house, my Nine Pound Group bloggers has a get together, I had to leave early as I had a babysitter here with the baby, costing me ten yo yos an hour and then 25 yo yos taxi fare home for her, now she is great and I can totally relax when I go out and she is here, she is so good with the kids, but I just can’t afford babysitting very often anymore. But tonight I blew the budget and went out, it was lovely to be out at a little party, great to see everyone, but then it was time to go and sure things were only getting going.
I just want to be able to not be pregnant occasionally, you know so I can go out, have a few beers, be silly, have a laugh, stay up late, not feel like everything makes me want to puke! Now I made the mistake of deciding to turn on the computer which means I have read all their drunken blogging about how much fun they are having, meanwhile I am here, can’t sleep, feel like crap, snoring boyfriend, I am listening to an album from my youth and crying, mourning the fact that when I had the freedom to live a life without limitations I gave it all up so easily for the first guy who I fell for, maybe if I’d been more independent, maybe if I hadn’t moved in with him at twenty maybe if I had been a bit less settled and a bit wilder I’d be happier now to be so domesticated? Maybe hard partying would have made the boring day to day more bearable? Actually I know there is no maybe there, I know that if I had fought harder for my independence I wouldn’t be feeling so trapped in my domestic gilded cage.
Some mothers imagine their daughters wedding day, imagining them in a lovely dress, marrying a doctor, having lots of babies, that thought fills me with dread, I want my daughter to be a doctor and deliver lots of babies (or whatever) I want her to value herself so she won’t just follow blindly the first person who loves her enough to make her feel valued? I want her to be a successful woman, if she finds love and babies on the way, great, but I want her to be happy in herself first! I am aware btw that by desiring all these things for my daughter (all my kids actually, but boys/men are less defined by their relationships) that she will rebel and probably marry at sixteen or something………
I am so sad tonight, another reason to cry!
If you could go back and change your lot would you? Really?
I don’t think you would. You have beautiful children whom you love, you have a loving boyfriend and a nice home.
I know it’s hard when all around you are going out and having fun etc etc but what does all that really mean at the end of the day?
The day you give birth and hold your new baby for the first time the 9 months of inconveniences will be nothing more than a well worth blip on the radar of life.
ah sweetie Liz that’s lovley, and of course baby will be worth it! But yes I would change things if I could, I’d finish college instead of not going back after my son was born, I’d have travelled when I was 17 or 18, not stayed in Ireland during the holidays cos I couldn’t bear to be away from my boyfriend! I wouldn’t have married at 23, I’d have been more selfish, I’d have slept with more people, I’d have been less scared of being alone! I would have a different life, I’d have different kids, if any, but that would be where my life would have brought me, so I’d know no different!
You are correct, nice home, lovely kids, cool ex, kind gentle partner…….but I also have all the other stuff I don’t talk about, stuff that it seems wrong to talk about, boredom? Tiredness? Frustration? Anger?
Of course having fun is a tiny bit of life, but if you imagine your job running for 24 hours a day insted of 10? That’s what it’s like being a stay at home mum with three kids (unless you have a nanny!) So what little fun I used to have was very important, it was what enabled me to do all the thankless crap mothers do!
Sorry for rant, it’s been a crap week, haven’t even had a minute to turn on computer in seven days…..
Oh, I hope you feel better!
With the live in boyfriend things will get better, you will get to go out more, independent, girl about town, going out with your friends!
we all have our regrets, everybody regrets the things they didn’t do, but you’ve achieved so much as well! 3 lovely children, the ability to parent so well, other people your age are totally clueless and only starting out!
you might still train as a midwife, or maybe it’s more affordable to train as a doula, it might not happen in the next 3 years, but maybe after? and your 4 times birth experience is going to be so reassuring for all your patients/clients! i know i would feel immensely reassured by a midwife who’s done it herself 4 times and then decided to train and help others give birth!