See I knew once I committed myself to blogging again I’d be put under pressure to actually do it!!!! Arse!
It’s not that I don’t want to blog, it’s simply that being a full-time slave to four evil midgets means that I have no time to myself, you think Dobby the house elf has a hard life? Maybe I am exaggerating slightly, sometimes I do have five minutes such as now, or at the end of the day, but I am so drained that most of the time I know blogging would not be a good idea…too much woe is me! When I sit down to do something not child related it’s like an internal alarm goes off and they go off on one! Just now when I sat down my daughter decided to have a temper tantrum over the fact that her friend isn’t home, and the two smallest ones have filled their nappies, the big guy isn’t home from school yet!
I feel so overwhelmed a lot of the time, it’s as if the more children I have, the bigger my family gets, the more people I have to love, the more love I have to give, but also the smaller I get (only figuratively, unfortunately)! I really wanted to start my distance learning thing from DCU, to start working toward the future, but I can’t see it happening. I wanted to do a five week swimming course, that’s just an hour a week…..I couldn’t manage it! I would love to go to Bloom over the weekend, but just thinking about the reality of two adults and four children going to it is just exhausting! I like entertaining here, and have done a few little things, I’m almost recluse like…just call me the Howard Hughes of mothering!
This weekend my partner and I are going to a wedding of his good friend, I have a babysitter booked for my two year old and the baby, my folks are having the two older guys over on a sleepover. I have purchased a beautiful dress, which I think is very sexy, but I look like a bag of potatoes in it. I am totally organised, but I really don’t want to go! Last Saturday night the babysitter did a trial run, I took my two older guys and one of their friends out to see Coraline (loved all around!) my partner was out with his boys, and got home about an hour after I left, which was a blessing cos the babysitter ran into a few problems, my toddler was not happy that his mother had gone out, he hadn’t seen her in quite a while and screamed and was very difficult, so this week she is bringing her mum to help her out. Now she is a brilliant babysitter, and I totally trust her with the kids, but I do know how demanding he can be, and then throw in a screaming nine week old baby? I hope she will be ok…..I’ll be holding my breath all night.
It’s like everything in me is stopping me from leaving “Ah, sure I’ll just stay in, I’m too tired..” or “Sure what’s the point of going out, I look like crap and my brain is fucked, I can’t hold a conversation!” or just ” Ah, he is so cute, I love him so much, why would I leave?” I suppose all this is biological to keep me attached to my baby, so I don’t get up and leave….?
Of course I’ve been through all of this before, but it is different this time, my partner and I only became aware of each others existence in November of 2007……. and now we are parents together, whereas in my previous relationship we were together for seven years before our first son was born. Another difference is of course that I was married then…and now I’m…well, still married but not to my current partner! A form arrived in the post today for my ex to sign in the presence of a solicitor, a rebuttal form, declaring he isn’t the father of my baby!!!
Why can’t my ex and I get divorced, why does it take 4 years of separation to “know” you want to divorce? I don’t want to divorce so I can remarry (I don’t know if I ever could do that) but because I’m not divorced my husbands name will be on my baby son’s birth cert along with his dads name. It’s not the same for my partner, his marital status is irrelevant…
Ok, baby screaming, have to scram, a house elf’s work is never done!
