So this morning with the two older ones dispatched to school and Montessori I sat down to blog, and I blogged an=bout how happy I was and how lucky I felt to have friends, which of course I am, but then at 1.45 pm it hit me, the loneliness.
I spent roughly the last ten days in company, surrounded by friends and family, but today after I picked up my daughter from Montessori and we were on our way back from doing some chores, my daughter was in overtired cranky form and we got caught up in a tiny bit of traffic, my baby was not impressed and he started to cry, really really loudly. I felt myself filling up, and then the tears just started to roll down my face. I just felt so alone.
Maybe I’m just not cut out for living alone, I love when my house is full of my family and friends, I love it when the kids are having a ball and the adults are just chatting away about crap, it’s the same when I go to my parents and my brother is there, or any events that involve my extended family. I spent a lot of my childhood in my maternal granny’s house and she was queen of entertaining so maybe that’s rubbed off on me, house was never empty, she always had people for lunch or tea and while she didn’t really like visiting other peoples homes she loved to have her house filled with laughter. Oh and singing, now I’m not that bad, everyone hasn’t got to have a party piece!
But the loneliness struck me today, I am alone, all my mummy friends are back in their normal routines, my non mummy friends are in work, I have a few hours off tonight as my ex husband has access with the kids, but my eldest son has a football match that he wants me to go to with him “Cos you haven’t been to see me play in ages…..” and some people doubt children’s intelligence and ability to manipulate? I haven’t been in ages cos his dad likes to go, and generally his dad has him when he has a match, so I don’t go anymore. So tonight I won’t get to meet a friend or anything, Oh I’ll make small talk with the other soccer moms, “Gosh isn’t your son good? Really he’s going to Blackrock college?” and then I won’t see anyone tomorrow, maybe Wednesday evening my boyfriend might come over to stay, but that will be the first proper conversation I’ll have this week, I don’t have work, so I have no colleagues to chat to. I have a good neighbour mummy friend I can call on generally, but she has so much going on right now, all the general taxi driver mother stuff, two lots of homework etc.
I was at the funeral last week and I spoke to a friend of the family who has suffered with his health for his entire life, and he hadn’t seen me since the huge changes in my lifestyle last year, “How are you?” I asked, “OK!” He replied, “Sure you have to keep going don’t you? Keep on smiling?” I replied. He just looked at me like I was mad and said, “No, sure how do people know how you really are if you don’t tell them, and if they ask and they don’t want to know the truth, tough shit!”. Maybe he’s right, maybe I’m wrong, maybe the stiff upper lip, keep on smiling until you burst into tears thing just doesn’t work?
It was a lovely weekend for me, but it was also my ex husbands birthday weekend, he had drinks with a lot of his friends, new and old, some of whom are shared friends, and while it shouldn’t bother me at all, and I have pretended that it hasn’t bothered me, it does. I want to be OK with it all, and I suppose I will be eventually, but I have to admit the fact that he is celebrating his birthday with old mutual friends and his new partner (who is lovely) is there instead of me, it makes me sad, it makes me miss my old life I suppose, cos entertaining was always fun, so it’s hard to put happy memories out of my head and replace it with memories of rows or disagreements! I know I am being hypocritial in that I celebrated my birthday with my boyfriend, and my friends, but apart from one all the friends who came were always my friends, which I suppose is a bit strange, none of the male friends I would have known when I was married came, but then I notice even my married friends husbands don’t know how to act around me now.
So I am lonely, lonely and tired, I miss someone coming home at the end of the day, I miss someone to talk to, as it is most weeknights I go to bed at nine…..that’s kinda sad isn’t it, but the house is empty when the kids go to bed. As I don’t watch TV I go to bed, try to read, and generally have fallen asleep by the time my boyfriend texts to see am I up for a chat…..the extremely loud beeping of my phone can’t even wake me! So I miss the only opportunity for adult conversation that I got all day, some days I try really hard to stay awake, and he is so zonked he has fallen asleep!
Now before you say but your ex partner is calling over tonight to see the kids, two things, he is calling to see the kids, not me, and secondly he had a lovely birthday weekend, a nice night out and movies last night, he got lovely presents off his friends and girlfriend and I just know if he tries to tell me about his weekend I’ll cry! Which isn’t fair on him, or me really, so I texted him today basically saying, feel really crap, please just leave me alone tonight. Horrible, but what other option do I have, get upset, let him see? What good does that do? We are separated, we only have the children connecting us, no matter what we may say, if we hadn’t had kids I doubt we would be attempting to be so civil to each other, would we? Obviously we have know each other for so long I would hope eventually we would be friends, but so soon? Maybe after a couple of years?
Sorry, really awful post after the loved up post earlier, but that’s what happens sometimes, it is swings and roundabouts.
Really need a holiday I suppose, I’ve been saying that for so long now, like years….threatening to book myself a week alone in the sun and bring ten paperbacks to read, but I still haven’t done that, and I know why…
I’ve actually just had a revelation right now blogging, I’ve never taken that holiday, in fact any holiday I take is never about doing nothing and relaxing, my trip to Maine last year should have been like that but no matter how much my hosts insisted I just couldn’t relax, felt like I had come to visit them so I needed to entertain them, mad. But that ties into why I am upset today, after my fun week or so, it was fun (mostly) but I was so busy, so busy, I didn’t stop at all, it was constant, and when I am constantly moving or out socialising, out and about, I don’t get upset, I don’t really think about things! So if I went for a week to the sun my head would probably explode. In fact this shouldn’t be such a revelation, my boyfriend is always telling me to relax, I just seem to find it tough…..
Anyway, enough for now, need to keep busy!