My computer is working basically but for some reason does not want me to comment, which is such a pain in the ass, as commenting is kinda the best bit, getting to interact with people! So I apologise for not being able to keep in touch but until I win the lotto (which I never enter) I can’t communicate with you guys!
Went to my sons football match tonight, it was my night off, kids dad comes over on a Monday and I go out, but generally cos there is no one around on a Monday I wind up going to the cinema or Dundrum, but tonight I let my eldest son bully me into going to his football match, now I don’t usually go so I felt I had to, but standing there surrounded by the sport loving dads, and the occasional sports mum (there were only 7 parents in total) I just felt so out of place, I just don’t get soccer, I don’t understand the rules, I never know why the other parents are shouting at the ref, I don’t know all the kids names on the team (I know 4 of eight) I don’t get the shouting at young kids, some of the parents get really pissed off at their kids, they act like it’s life or death, I just don’t have the energy. I cheer when something good happens, I shout out random “Good Shots” but I never berate my son (or his team mates) for being crap! And his team never win….ever, in fact they often lose 10 or 15 nil! So what do these parents expect? I can’t imagine what the car journey home must be like, if they publicly berate their kids what happens in private? Now I have to saw the coach isn’t like that he is a good positive guy, he shouts at them, and will tell them when they are crap but he is there week after week keeping the team going.
So I am standing on the side line, my picnic rug and book useless on the ground (what kind of mother would I be sitting there while my kid played football? yes that’s right a happy one!) and one of the very sporty mothers comes over, she is sporty herself and coaches kids hockey, she is a lovely woman, but a bit too healthy for me, I always feel so lazy next to her, so we are chatting away and I mentioned that the coach had given up cigarettes yesterday and she said good, then she said, “I was diagnosed with cancer last week”, I said “what, sorry? Who has cancer?” “I do”…….
Now I put my hand on her arm, it’s breast cancer, chemo to start no lumpectomy, we talked for a while about how healthy she was, and that would stand to her, also that the chemo now is a lot better than it was ( I told her about my mums experiences) she is terrified, she has four children, she has her first session on Wednesday and is waiting to find out if it has spread, I felt awful.
She said she is being open about it cos it’s so scary, people get freaked out when you talk about cancer, she has beautiful long hair which she knows she is gonna lose, she is going wig shopping this week. With her energy and positive attitude I know she will beat it. Then we were chatting about other stuff and I said something about my ex and she said…”Are you separated?” it was an OH MY GOD moment, and we discussed how people don’t talk openly about that either. There are so many things we don’t talk about aren’t there? Is it just Irish people? Or is it people in general? Sex, depression, loneliness….list goes on doesn’t it?
So I am sitting in front of the computer, finishing my sixth post of the day, and I am crying again, I don’t really know why, I am sorry for the soccer mom, I hope she will be OK, I am sorry for me and I hope I’ll be OK too and I’m thanking God I’m not facing what she is, and that makes me feel bad, for feeling slightly lucky. But am I luckier? She has a supportive husband who will be there with her, I don’t have that anymore (if I ever did, I just don’t know) . I just feel like a kid today, like Tom Hanks in Big, I’ve woken up and my life is not how it should be, things are scary and I have no idea how to deal with them, I don’t feel very grown up, in fact I just want to do what I did as a child and teenager curl up in bed with a book and my Walkman, shut out the world and lose myself in a story. But when I was young it was possible to do that and it improved the situation, when I took off the earphones my parents would have calmed down or my boyfriend would be in a better mood, but now I know it’s all just staying the same, no matter how long I try to hide from my problems they are still gonna be there.
Anyway, everyone who read my blog today probably thinks I am going insane, I am not, for the moment anyway, but I needed to express all this stuff, it helps with the loneliness and it is important to be honest about the bad things as well as the good stuff.