That title basically sums up my day today…..fascinating huh? I barely slept last night, about two hours, I was feeling crap mentally yesterday but also physically, I was having chest pains. Now as I’d had a hard weekend, lots of beer and beef, I just assumed it was indigestion of some sort and that with a light diet and lots of water it would improve, wrong!
So last night I went to bed, after a final blog post and a chat with my boyfriend, the pains were still there but not wanting to make a fuss I didn’t say anything, just settled down with my book hoping I’d read myself to sleep….it must have worked because 30 minutes later I woke from a terrible nightmare with pains shooting from my chest into my shoulder and down my left arm, even my neck was in pain….now it wasn’t constant, intermittent, so I took a deep breath did some relaxation exercises and tried to unclench, but by two am it was so bad I was convince I was gonna die, alone in my bed and that my children would find me Ala Paula Yates (a fear I think all mothers share….or maybe just scummy ones like me?) So I picked up my mobile, made a call, who did I call? A doctor? An ambulance? My folks? No….I called my ex husband, just to tell him what was happening in case I did die, he could call my phone early in the morning, and if I didn’t answer intervene in the possible Paula Yates situation………I KNOW!!!!!FUCKING INSANE!!!!
So this morning it was as bad, I got about two hours sleep, and my eldest guy actually had biscuits for breakfast (I did make him a proper lunch) I was in so much pain, then while trying to communicate with my four year old daughter, her upstairs, me down, I shouted and the pain ripped through me, I felt like an alien was gonna pop right out of my chest front and back! I called my GP, “Hi doc, you’ll probably laugh but I’m having chest pains, never happened before, just wondering could it be indigestion, should i buy Rennie or something?” he hesitates, “Come straight in Midge”. Not what I wanted to hear, heart is pounding in my ears as I shower and get dressed, wrangling the two youngest kids and then dropping the girly into Montessori, making small talk, all the time thinking…..I’m having a heart attack…..!
So to cut a short story long, I wound up in my docs, making small talk with an elderly nun, trying to stop my toddler from destroying the waiting room, trying not to think of the germs on the things he was chewing on…Doc calls me in. Does the usual, listen to lungs and heart, examines me for any rashes, bangs on my back and pokes my tummy, not saying anything, takes my pulse, then he does my blood pressure, three times! I have had blood pressure issues in pregnancy and I know they only do it several times if they don’t believe their eyes….it was bad, really high… Arse, fuck shite!
So he says the pains in my chest, neck and arm are all stress, my heart and lungs seem fine but it is lucky I came in cos my pressure is dangerously high, and he knew what the culprit was, the contraceptive pill…..he crossed his arms, a bad sign with my doc, leaned back against the bed thing and said, do you want anymore children? I said no, he said you need to come off the pill, now! He then went on to ask me questions about the frequency of my sex life which obviously embarrassed him, I tried to relieve the tension with humour but telling him the frequency of my sexual encounters completely ruled out condoms purely on financial ground didn’t seem to help! Anyway I can stay on it until the end of the month, cos getting pregnant would be lethal for my blood pressure too (yippee, I love being me) and on June 5th I have an appointment with the same doctor I was with for two of my pregnancies (but never needed) he is Dr Boylan, I think the master or a former master, and I will be pleading for the right to be neutered.
I am a wee bit down, while I know I have to get it done it is the end of a chapter in my life although that’s also a good thing, I will be able to focus on study or career and eventually travel and all those things I definitely want to do without the worry that a baby might come along unexpectedly! All that safe sex, with no horrible pill hormones….I am looking on the bright side!
I also have to get back on the lifestyle wagon, red meat bad…..fish and veg all the way, exercise more and stress less, I know I can do it, I did it before. I told the doc I’d had a mad weekend drinking far too much so he said to try to leave at least one day between drinking except for one exception, my 2 glasses of red wine with dinner (cholesterol hates red wine or something) . So that’s it, I have salmon in teriyaki marinade in the fridge for dinner tomorrow, noodles to go with…yummy! Kids were not as excited to hear that our once weekly treat would be bi weekly from now on!
Now, the Grim Reaper!
I had arranged to visit my mum today as I was feeling so low yesterday and she was dying to see my kids, so we went over, got there at 5…Kids delighted, “Look! Granda is home!” my dad works a 12 hour day still, he is 60, so for him to be home 2 hours early was great, but I could tell everything in the garden wasn’t rosy. “Your father walked out of his job this morning !” my mother hissed at me in the kitchen. “What!” Apparently things had been getting to him, the attitude of the younger guys, the fact that no one listens to him, then mum has been unwell and he worries about me and my brother, and his own health worries on top of it all, he just cracked. Now it is the family business but he doesn’t own it, he still needs an income. He went to the doctor who diagnosed depression and gave him a cert, he is gonna be off work for several weeks….my poor mum! He is floating around the house like the grim reaper, or more like Kevin the teenager, I spoke to him at one point and he ignored me so my mum said “Midge spoke to you!” He was unbelievable, happy to play with the toddler but narky with the other two……OH GOD HELP US!
Finally before I head to my Léaba, my lovely little snake Sammy, I saw her feed fro the first time tonight, usually she waits until it’s dark but her food was a day or two late and five minutes after I put it in she was over…it was fascinating, and freaky and creep. It was amazing to see her inch her jaw open then it just went, I wonder does it hurt? it reminded me of birth but in reverse if you see what I mean? And when it was just ending as she was swallowing the bum and tail end she gave me such an intense stare, I’m gonna assume it was gratitude and nothing more sinister…
Next time will video her for my blog?