Went to visit my ex husbands aunt yesterday, the youngest in her family, never married, never left home, dedicated her life to taking care of her family until her mother died aged 82 a few weeks ago. She had a “man friend” she had been seeing for the last ten years, he made her happy, and she made him happy, but when her mother got ill he basically just backed off, lost interest, whatever. But now that the mother has passed away he is trying to get back into her good books…..it’s so sad, so typical….Sorry? What’s that? It’s not typical…I’m just cynical and broken? Perhaps?
Then I popped down to visit my mum and dad, now mum is in an incredible amount of pain and is feeling down cos she can’t do what she wants to do, what she has always done, and my dad is on his second week off work with depression (he hates his job in recent years, his health is bad too and he is “up the wall” worrying over my mum). So the two of them are stuck together, in the same house, both feeling crap. Not a recipe for loves young dream!
In fact mum burst into tears yesterday, she feels so trapped and he is driving her insane, just the incessant talking and the television being on all day, the “I’ll only have a half cup of tea”, “why are you doing that?””Leave it I’ll do it……later!” She is just at the end of her tether, and of course as dad is a man he is so wrapped up in his own feelings he can’t see any of this. My brother and I have spoken to both of them, but nothing works.
So mum was talking to me yesterday evening and she asked me to listen to what she said very carefully`, she was talking about “love”, “Never, fall madly in love again, never let some man take control of your life, never live with anyone again.” It was more detailed than that but I’m sure you get the drift. Now mum likes the guy I am seeing at the moment but it’s nothing to do with him or his personality, it’s just men, she sees so many people who are her age and unhappy, who have been unhappy for decades, she sees people my age who are unhappy but won’t do anything about it. My parents married for passion, but passion can fade and all that remains is difference.
So what do I want, what do I take from this?
I suppose part of me thinks she is right, I was tightly bound up to a man for half my life, and it hurt terribly when that ended, even when still in the relationship, my natural urge to please the other person meant I sacrificed too much of myself.
I want a partner, a companion, someone to have fun with, travel with, explore the rest of my life with…..but honestly I don’t know if I want to wash someone socks again, or buy their families presents at Christmas, go to stupid events I don’t want to just to make them happy or suffer sitting on the sofa every evening doing the same thing night after night until covered in a thick layer of dust we expire……
Sorry, feeling so fucking negative, baby still teething, two older kids hate my guts cos I am telling them what to do…IE eat, sleep, don’t play with matches. My neck and back and shoulders are so sore and tense, my chest is hurting again and I seem to have developed acid indigestion……”love, lust, procreation…” all just seems like a very clever trick by “father nature”….no way mother nature would be this cruel!