It’s 1:38 as I begin this post, I have been lying in bed for an hour hand a half, I have a pain in my belly and I cannot unclench and relax enough to go to sleep. There are a couple of reasons I suppose, it’s exactly a week today since my last drink, I haven’t slipped, not even to open a bottle of JD and smell that sweet smell (reminds me of hedonistic summer sex), I have had moments of “Oh Jesus I need a drink”, but I haven’t given in, my boyfriend has been around a lot of the week and I think because I haven’t been alone it’s been easier, but from Saturday morning until Wednesday of next week I’ll be on my ownio…..we’ll see how I cope! So I am missing booze, not getting blotto, but booze, last night I cooked supper for the man in my life and it was accompanied by apple juice….not the same as a nice Rioja! Tonight he cooked fro me and we had alcohol frei beir….not the same as a Coors light!
I went to the hospital today, to ask for my tubal ligation, I waited in the teeny, tiny waiting room for the Gynae clinic (public, private one probably has a fecking fountain) I was there waiting for 2 hours, with my 14 month old (impatient, frustrated) son, it was in fact too small for my buggy, and my buggy is a regular one, not a super duper designer buggy! So my son had just gotten to breaking point and I was starting to get really pissed off that loads of people who had arrived after me were being seen before me, my son was so narky I’d given him the emergency sugar free lolly I had in my bag , and I was called.
The doctor was seeing me, which explains why I was waiting so long, he was younger than me and lovely, and handsome….unfair! I actually think I remember him from my visits to the antenatal clinic last year, he took all my details, then closed my file and asked me why I wanted my tubes tied (I’d lied at this stage , told him I was in a secure long term relationship, I actually gestured at my wedding ring…..sad!…kinda like “I’m a ladyeee!” I am married, look at the ring!) So I told him why. He asked me was I aware of the side effects of tubal ligation, I said my doctor had told me there were no side effects and it was a very minor procedure, “Oh!” the doc interrupted, “it’s alright for him to say that from the comfort of his office!” Fuck, I was scared now, apparently it wasn’t the snip snip, there you go , couple of days in bed and you are ok , I had been led to believe…
NO! Risks! Risks! Risks!
There were the normal risks associated with surgery, going under etc, there were risks associated with the keyhole surgery, “things” get ruptured and damaged, then there were the risks of hemorrhaging afterwards, and the fact that my already heavy painful periods would get heavier, some women find they bleed so heavily every month that after a few years hysterectomy is there only option! Now my mum has most of her health problems as the result of having a hysterectomy in her thirties, I know what it does to a body, to a woman, to a family and to a relationship! I would rather have ten more babies, or never have sex again than have to experience that.
So he suggested the Mirena IUD, now I have considered this before, after my second child was born I even got the prescription and was supposed to get it done, but I decided against it, it is a bit scary, insertion can be painful and you bleed a lot for the first few months, once it’s in there are the strings which hang down into the vagina and can cause problems for your partner during sex, and also eliminates any vigorous use of sex toys or even fingers….see why I decided against it? But now it’s my only option….
Well there is a non surgical option where they insert rods into the fallopian tubes and that causes scaring which will stop eggs reaching the womb after ovulation and there fore stop pregnancy, but it is really new, and I am nervous about that, it also need to be done the same way as the Mirena will be inserted, up the wazoo… Doc said “It’s just like a smear test…” Oh yeah really sell it to me baby, what woman doesn’t get excited at the thought of a smear?
So tonight I was discussing it with my boyfriend, now he knows all of this is my decision to make alone, but I do need to talk to someone about it, and he is it! He said, “sure if it’s just like a smear test it can’t be that bad” (or something to that effect) What do you think I said to that? Imagine if someone asked him could they dilate his penis and them stick something up there?Hmm? The picture at the top of the post is the Mirena and the insertion device, I bought the Mirena on the way home from Holles Street with the Prescription and the drug refund scheme it was only 90 euro, usually nearly 300! So I bought it and it is in a huge box….like the box is 18 inches long, and I’m like what the fuck! But now I can see it’s a whole insertion device and everything, so I have the device already, and the hot line number for Dr Dreamy in Holles street, and I ring next time I’m bleeding (“Hey baby, I’m bleeding, know what I mean?) I “pop” in and they pop it in…..
Tonight I did some Internet research and I am so conflicted, there are good and bad things about tubal ligation and Mirena, but as my boyfriend says only one is reversible. I went to bed tonight and usually I can’t wait to cuddle and kiss and be carnal, but tonight no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t relax, and I felt empty, frustrated and a bit scared, sex is something I enjoy immensely and I am worried this is gonna change that, in fact already it is changing it cos I’m thinking about it. I have a pain in my belly I am sure is psychosomatic, but it’s still there and enough to keep me awake.
Another thing keeping me awake is the fact that my four year old daughter has the chicken pox, bad, they are all over her genitals and the rest of her body, even her beautiful face, in her ears and on her epiglottis, and today she developed what I thin is one on the white of her eye, I have to bring her to the GP first thing tomorrow morning, so I have to leave here by 7 yet I am still up blogging at 2:15 am, I might have to bring her to the hospital tomorrow as it is really serious in your eyes, I should be at home, I can’t relax, she is with her dad and he is capable of minding her but as her mother I just want to be there for her! So I am torn, do I hop into my car and drive across the city, where she is probably fast asleep and grand , in the process leaving my boyfriend who already feels I am pushing him away over the whole contraception thing, or do I stay here and just go in the morning as planned? Oh god!