Mental as anything!

Well I think it’s finally happened, I have finally flipped, finally I have just slipped from “Jesus, that Midge is Mad!” to just plain mad! I have been struggling for quite a while now, I think about two or three months ago the adrenaline just ran out, which was what I had been surviving on, I look at pictures of me from late last year or early this year and there is nervous energy and a sparkle in my eye which has just gone. I was surviving on that fight or flight instinct, my relationship had ended I was alone for the first time ever, my youngest son was just 6 months old, what choice did I have? I had to pull myself together, accept my life had changed forever, get myself into therapy and try to think of my three children, (as I write this, one is out playing, one is upstairs, she still has chicken pox and the baby is screaming and headbutting me….) I did all I could do, I thought I was doing OK, I even started to believe that this was a “good” thing that had happened! I even met someone new, someone different, sweet and kind. So I was doing OK, and I learned fairly early on that people have a pretty limited interest in listening to how sad I was feeling, or how worried I was about the future or my kids, so I adapted, I was bright and breezy, better to be around, I got lots of ” Oh, wow, you are so positive!” and I did focus and try to be positive, the surge of adrenaline got me through (anyone with young babies knows that feeling, you want to fall down but if you stop for a moment you are screwed) But now? Well now the adrenaline has stopped, or maybe the flight bit of the “Fight or flight” has kicked in cos I just want to run away!

My friends are great, of course, but as I said, they really have no idea what’s happening (btw baby still freaking out beside me) my daughter has been ill and I had to bring her out this week, even though she was contagious as none could mind her for me while I went to the shops for food, simple things like that I think people don’t realise. Or the fat that baby cries a lot, even though he is 14months now, he just wants to sit on me all day allowing me to do nothing (more headbutting) and I just can’t do that, so by six o clock, the time when other women’s husbands are coming home I am crawling the walls and there is nobody to talk to, to ask me how my day was, did I even get outside the front door (no today I haven’t…daughter still spotty)

So now, I ave just flipped, I just want to run away. I want to get into my car and drive to Waterford where my oldest friend lives, ask her can I hide in her garage, I want to get onto a plane and fly to Italy, pick grapes and drink cheap wine, sleep in a hostel, wear runners and shorts and not worry about children and nappies and who’s right and who’s wrong, I want to go to Canada, marry a Mountie and just start over, new name, new person, new life!

I have three children, I never planned it that way, I fell into it, I have been a mother for more than ten years now, I am 35, I feel like most of my life has been spent taking care of other people putting their needs and dreams before my own, and I am exhausted.

I won’t run away, I won’t leave my children, I love them to much to mess up their lives like that, also I just wouldn’t have the inner strenght to put my needs before theirs. So I’ll stay. I’ll stay until one of two things happen either my head explodes with the stress, I actually can’t unclench at all since I had my last drink ( nearly 2 weeks ago now) my neck and shoulders hurt constantly, and if I don’t explode with stress, have a heart attack or stroke then I will just crack. I cried so loud last night I woke the kids, I told them I was just sad, but that can’t be ok for them to hear me in pain? I am finding it hard to sleep at night, I really don’t want to sleep cos then the next day is upon me, and in the morning I drag myself from the bed hating the daylight, hating the fact that the same old routine is starting all over again.

My favorite daydream of the moment is that I am doing my leaving cert, no kids, no baggage, a fresh page a fresh start, oh and no sex drive at all. Silly boys won’t distract me from my future. I gave that away, I loved my partner so much I accepted “our future” but that was actually “his future” and now I am left with a past I’d rather forget about and a present that is literally hand to mouth living and the future, well there is a future of course, but it’s dependant on so many factors out of my control or reach.

So my friends I am not a happy camper at the moment, I want to click my heels together three times and say “any place but home! Anyplace but home! Anyplace but home!”


5 thoughts on “Mental as anything!

  1. Sorry, hon. 😦

    Is there anything I can do to help at all? Well, to momentarily relieve your pain?

    I think there are things you can find to do in the short term that will help look after you and make life better for your children, rather than worse. There are ways to treat your muscle stress, for example, ways to stop it happening.

    Accepting that you can’t change the situation, you have to find ways to feel more supported. I know they won’t come over night, but you need to look out for them.

    I don’t know if the ‘this must been seen as positive’ standpoint you took initially was the best thing to do or not. I know it got you through, but I felt at the time it denied you a lot of the necessary grieving you have to go through.

    I don’t think you’re going mad, I think this is part of what everyone in your situation passes through, like any grief process. My mother said it would have been easier if my father had died, rather than kicked her out, at least there would have been a single, tangible reason to be sad, and none of the other feelings being left creates. And you can’t even enjoy the freedom of being cut loose from your relationship because you are tethered to the kids.

    Perhaps you could make some lists of things you know help, and things that need to change.

    What can you do to get the baby happier and more secure?
    How can you tackle the neck and shoulder pain, the chest pains, the general stress? What is available to you that does make you happy, that you can expand on?

    Are you in tonight for a chat?

  2. Ah Jo,

    You are a sweetie, I am stiing here now just biding my time until the older two go to bed, my head is lifting, and I have a post to finish!
    I know all the things that you said ring through, I also know that I had to survive those early months and believe it or not now it doesn’t hurt as much as it did, the raw wound isn’t there it’s more grief, just grieving for the loss of so much of my life, the loss of a future I’ll never be a part of directly.
    There are things that make me happy, and people, but I’m first to admit I have issues with “needing” people, probably has gotten worse since the split.
    Anyhoo, thanks, it helps just to blog, I really don’t need anyone to read it or comment, it’s a cheap form of therapy I suppose?

  3. So the young guy is going to be into heavy metal, sweet, do you want to borrow stormtroopers of death from me, I can even teach him to mosh correctly, young kids these days just dont get it right.

    Personally I believe Jo has hit the nail on the head its all grief.

    From what I have seen thus far since the split, you have shown to be a tower of strength, and I think because of this, grief never fully happened and now its all catching up with you.

    Maybe you are like me, bottle it all up (ok you write about it) but you never fully let it all out, untill you head can take no more and then it has all become too big for you and everyone around you to handle. Now this is not to say that you dont have friends that will listen, I know for a fact you have!

    I am a man and obviously am writing this in a very rational male way but I do hope the irrational females out there can understand what I am attempting to say.

    BTW thats all a bit of a joke! hope it made you giggle a bit!

    Blogging has been a sort of therapy for you, but you do need to let it all out a bit more in a conversational type way, like Jo says, call me aswell when you feel like this, it helps to talk.

    In relation to Jo’s comment on tackling the neck pain etc maybe this is where your vibrating friends could make a comeback! and I personally thought you were mad a long time ago (in a good way though)

  4. Shan,

    Seriously is sex all you think about 🙂
    My vibrating friends used for back rubs….hmm? They actually aren’t those kind of vibrators…I really don’t have the ones that are “massagers” all of mine pretty much do exactly what it says on the tin! I am grieving, I know that, and some days and weeks are better or worse than others, the fact that I am not drinking means I am having to really feel all the stress and feelings, that’s not really a nice place to be, and I keep alternating between delighted that I haven’t had a drink in nearly two weeks, which is the first time in about 6 months I’ve managed that long, to feeling like this is not the right time to be tee total, am I strong enough.

    I know you and Mrs Shan anre there to talk to too, but it is hard, I hate that feeling of “poor midge”, you know? here I can write it, let it go and then move on, in conversation I feel a bit trapped (don’t know if that makes any sense)

    I will be ok, I know that, I just need time, as I said it doesn’t hurt the way it did, and I don’t wish he had died, no way! My kids have a father, and I am delighted that he is so involved in their lives, even if it at times makes my life difficult, having to interact so much.

    Baby is a rocker….I had a German penpal, my first love actually, he loved Iron Maiden!


  5. Oh God! Just a quick note to say I never meant to suggest that it would be better if he had died!! Just that a bereavement is a more clear cut and understood loss, unlike this, which sort of leaves you with nowhere to go, and as you’ve said, people can stop wanting to hear about it after a certain amount of time.

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