Well I think it’s finally happened, I have finally flipped, finally I have just slipped from “Jesus, that Midge is Mad!” to just plain mad! I have been struggling for quite a while now, I think about two or three months ago the adrenaline just ran out, which was what I had been surviving on, I look at pictures of me from late last year or early this year and there is nervous energy and a sparkle in my eye which has just gone. I was surviving on that fight or flight instinct, my relationship had ended I was alone for the first time ever, my youngest son was just 6 months old, what choice did I have? I had to pull myself together, accept my life had changed forever, get myself into therapy and try to think of my three children, (as I write this, one is out playing, one is upstairs, she still has chicken pox and the baby is screaming and headbutting me….) I did all I could do, I thought I was doing OK, I even started to believe that this was a “good” thing that had happened! I even met someone new, someone different, sweet and kind. So I was doing OK, and I learned fairly early on that people have a pretty limited interest in listening to how sad I was feeling, or how worried I was about the future or my kids, so I adapted, I was bright and breezy, better to be around, I got lots of ” Oh, wow, you are so positive!” and I did focus and try to be positive, the surge of adrenaline got me through (anyone with young babies knows that feeling, you want to fall down but if you stop for a moment you are screwed) But now? Well now the adrenaline has stopped, or maybe the flight bit of the “Fight or flight” has kicked in cos I just want to run away!
My friends are great, of course, but as I said, they really have no idea what’s happening (btw baby still freaking out beside me) my daughter has been ill and I had to bring her out this week, even though she was contagious as none could mind her for me while I went to the shops for food, simple things like that I think people don’t realise. Or the fat that baby cries a lot, even though he is 14months now, he just wants to sit on me all day allowing me to do nothing (more headbutting) and I just can’t do that, so by six o clock, the time when other women’s husbands are coming home I am crawling the walls and there is nobody to talk to, to ask me how my day was, did I even get outside the front door (no today I haven’t…daughter still spotty)
So now, I ave just flipped, I just want to run away. I want to get into my car and drive to Waterford where my oldest friend lives, ask her can I hide in her garage, I want to get onto a plane and fly to Italy, pick grapes and drink cheap wine, sleep in a hostel, wear runners and shorts and not worry about children and nappies and who’s right and who’s wrong, I want to go to Canada, marry a Mountie and just start over, new name, new person, new life!
I have three children, I never planned it that way, I fell into it, I have been a mother for more than ten years now, I am 35, I feel like most of my life has been spent taking care of other people putting their needs and dreams before my own, and I am exhausted.
I won’t run away, I won’t leave my children, I love them to much to mess up their lives like that, also I just wouldn’t have the inner strenght to put my needs before theirs. So I’ll stay. I’ll stay until one of two things happen either my head explodes with the stress, I actually can’t unclench at all since I had my last drink ( nearly 2 weeks ago now) my neck and shoulders hurt constantly, and if I don’t explode with stress, have a heart attack or stroke then I will just crack. I cried so loud last night I woke the kids, I told them I was just sad, but that can’t be ok for them to hear me in pain? I am finding it hard to sleep at night, I really don’t want to sleep cos then the next day is upon me, and in the morning I drag myself from the bed hating the daylight, hating the fact that the same old routine is starting all over again.
My favorite daydream of the moment is that I am doing my leaving cert, no kids, no baggage, a fresh page a fresh start, oh and no sex drive at all. Silly boys won’t distract me from my future. I gave that away, I loved my partner so much I accepted “our future” but that was actually “his future” and now I am left with a past I’d rather forget about and a present that is literally hand to mouth living and the future, well there is a future of course, but it’s dependant on so many factors out of my control or reach.
So my friends I am not a happy camper at the moment, I want to click my heels together three times and say “any place but home! Anyplace but home! Anyplace but home!”