Who’d want to be a parent?

I am lying down as I type this post, I am shattered and it’s only two in the afternoon, I was up with the kids this morning then off to the gym where I am trying to settle in the baby again so I can have some time to myself a couple of times a week, it is going well and he was grand today until a little fecker of a baby couldn’t pass him on the slide and instead bit him so hard he has a purple black set of teeth marks on his little pudgy arm! In fact he nearly broke the skin, I was asked to fill in an “incident report” form and told that the biter had “struck” three times this week….question what do you do with antisocial 20 month olds? Do they turn into antisocial 20 year olds? I have never heard my little guy scream and cry as much as he did, I was so glad I was there to comfort him (I had popped out for a cup of tea to see if he’d settle without me, and was just back) Then myself the toddler the four year old and the ten year old all went to the pool! It was great, the two older ones had been in the playzone while the toddler had been “settling”, so by the time we got home here they were shattered and starving!

So back to me!

Pregnant, with my fourth child at 34, different father from the previous three, relationship only in it’s infancy, partner has two kids of his own that he has half the week and he has a crazy (sorry baby but it is true) foreign ex wife who threatens to take the kids away to the US when he pisses her off! OH don’t forget that I am not even separated a year and that in all my previous pregnancies I suffered from Pre-Eclampsia which is potentially life threatening to the baby and the mother……… Last but not least in anyway my boyfriend and I love each other, but are very different and his very cerebral way of expressing himself and my very emotional instinctual was of expressing myself means we have a bit of a tempestuous relationship!

So, I have had doubts, anyone who knows me knows I am not in favour of abortion (except for rape or incest babies) but I suppose I have never been in a situation like this before, out of my three babies only one was planned, the others came at difficult times but I never considered not having the babies, this is a crisis pregnancy. I woke up on Saturday morning after the for nine pounds get together the night before, I had had a few drinks, I NEVER would that when pregnant so I analysed my reasons for doing that, well I didn’t feel pregnant, it was only six weeks, most people didn’t even know they were pregnant at that time, or did I just not want this baby, was I being cold and calculating?

Saturday was spent angsting, emotional phone calls to my boyfriend, but then my brothers meal in the evening, as he was leaving on a jet plane on Tuesday, don’t know when he’ll be back again, then Ispent the night in my boyfriends where we spoke  a lot about the living arrangements before and after baby’s arrival. I got scared, really scared, living alone, with my existing kids and then a baby, night feeds, crying? With nobody to help me out? Or my boyfriend moving in here with my kids, giving up his independence, probably only having his kids at the weekends, I’d have someone to help but we’d kill each other, and then his two kids here every weekend? Six kids under one roof?

Sunday morning  I left my boyfriends apartment and went home, I had decided I couldn’t have this baby, surely the right to quality of life for me and my existing kids was more important than the unborn babies right to life?

I went to my mum, told her I was pregnant and before I could tell her my plans she said, “You’ll have to go to England to get rid of it!” So she agreed to give me money for abortion, I thanked her, she told me no one must ever,ever know…… So she is giving me money but she is ashamed and horrified? I went home, told my boyfriend who said he would support me in whatever I decided I called the Marie Stopes clinic, they have a 24 hour hot line and I made an appointment for an assessment in their Dublin office for 9am on Tuesday morning. I got information on the procedure and costs etc. I couldn’t sleep that night, I cried and cried, I called my boyfriend in the middle of the night and I was inconsolable.

Monday morning after a sleepless night I knew I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t even go to the assessment, I cancelled the appointment, called my boyfriend and told him, he then started to cry and told me he was happy I was gonna have the baby but he hadn’t wanted to influence my decision. I called my mum, she was horrified, told me I’d crack up if I had another kid, I answered I’d crack up if I had to kill my baby. Sha is not happy with me, and my dad I haven’t heard from at all. I am so sad over that, I need my folks I love them but I told her on Monday that if she decided to disown me that was ok, nothing she could say or do would make me stop the pregnancy.

Now one thing I have learned from this experience that might surprise you is I think they should legalise abortion here, why have to travel to England, it makes a terrible situation even worse, have the women not suffered enough? This is just a throw back to Catholic Ireland, sinful women paying for their original sin, black marks on their souls? We are just pushing the problem away, it still exists it’s just convenient we don’t have any abortion clinics in Ireland. My friend and babysitter is Polish and last night she told me there is no abortion in Poland but lots of Doctors do them illegally. Preying on vulnerable women. Dark Ages Misogyny at it’s worst! The rick can maybe afford the roughly two grand required to travel and pay for the procedures but what about young students or single mothers, those not able to afford the luxury of termination. Some people say abortion should be kept ilegal because women would use it as a form of birth control, these people are idiots, no woman would ever put herself through an abortion unless there were no other choices.


12 thoughts on “Who’d want to be a parent?

  1. i hope your family will come round and support your decision. your boyfriend’s great, it must have been hard for him to leave that decision completely up to you. and you’re great, you have a big heart and are so brave!
    sorry if i sound all soppy blame my pregnancy hormones…

  2. When I was 34 I had three boy,s and had just got my life back on track for me had started working etc now I know it,s not quite the same as hubby was still around but we were going through a very difficult time. Anyway I found myself pregnant I was distraught a friend came to see me and offered me money to go to England, but like yourself I just could’nt my parent’s came to visit me and I said nothing ,a few day’s later my father called and asked me was I pregnant when I told him I was he just hugged me and said it will be ok. One of the best things that ever happened was having that sweet lovely girl who has grown up to be a fine woman and good friend. So with that I send you a big hug , everything will be ok.

  3. I couldn’t agree more about the hypocricy – the govt know so many women, and young women travel – I think it’s a form of punishment in itself.

    And I think to have an abortion if you feel as you did would be as much of a life sentence to deal with as having a child would be.

    I think if it’s the thing to do, you know. I hope so, anyway.

    We need more support to help women make emotionally informed choices.

    Please keep shouting out when you need some help, or a rest!

  4. Thanks guys (in the gender neutral sense of guys!) I suppose my blog will be my support emotionally, but it can’t change nappies or do laundry!

    Thanks again, I have a good feeling in the pit of my stomach this is a wonderful gift, and I am already blessed with three lovely (if highly intelligent and slightly insane) children! They will be delighted to have a baby brother or sister (will insist on knowing the sex asap!)

  5. I’m so glad you’re feeling positive about the baby. Especially as it sounded like an abortion would have haunted you. So, big congratulations on your baby news! Can I send over some booties?
    And as SleepyJo said.. let it all out here, on your blog, if you need to. Very best wishes from Oz.

  6. Ah, Booties, so cute, Coastal I used to be a great knitter but I have two friends expecting babies and i haven’t picked up the needles, I have knitted all three of mine blankets while pegnant so I will have to start soon, each of them need something I made especially for them, to pass on to their kids or pets whatever! I still use the original blanket I made for my eldest son eleven years ago, people still stop to ask where I got it! Anyway I wil be blogging a lot more, my boyfriend is insisting I slow down and let him help more, meaning I will be in bed earlier and blogging! I wonder could I put up my scan picture on the blog, main worry now is that it’s twins…..or more!

  7. Good to hear you both are happy with it, and best of luck!

    I feel so ignorant but I had no idea that Ireland hadn’t legalised abortion.

  8. Oh, your blankets sound lovely. I’m new to knitting, and so I haven’t attempted booties yet, but I would have given it a red hot go!… I say, put up anything you like on your blog; the more, the merrier! Thinking of you.

  9. Dolly,
    you live in Sweden, which sounds so liberal, Ireland is still in the grip of catholic guilt. I am actually really horrified at the fact that women have to go through so much, I wish there was something I could do, I am thinking of joining a pro choice group, maybe I’m not too old for activism!

    Blankets are really easy, just one great big rectangle, lots of different patterns but just so simple and special, I bought a nice book of patterns tonight, so I am gonna get clicking with the needles, will promise photo of scan when I have it!

    Thanks for the support guys!

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