Greetings from sunny Spain, mid thirties in the shade! I am sorry for not blogging before I left but it has been a crazy few weeks, my ex husband has been moving his stuff out and my new partner (or live in lover as he now likes to be known) has been moving his stuff in! I really have just felt overwhelmed, it has been an emotional rollercoaster, saying goodbye to my old lovers possessions, and watching them being instantly replaced by my new partners stuff. The most interesting thing in fact is the overlap between their tastes in books and politics! A shelf of books will disappear only to be replaced by another man’s collection of books, the two men wondering is that my Michael Moore book or his? I am struggling a bit here guys.
I am delighted that my boyfriend and I are moving in together, but my cautious nature is telling me to put up the barricades, it’s almost as if the closer he gets the more I try to pull away, and then he is insecure and scared, withdrawn, therefore I put up more defences pulling back into my shell again! I have moments of intense joy and pleasure but sprinkled with moments of huge doubts and fear, my natural state is allegedly stoical, but the main vibe at the moment is pessimistic, everything will wind up rotten, maybe not today or next year but eventually, try to combine that with my boyfriends eternal optimism………?
So sitting in an internet place now blogging, my other half installed on the beach, last night things were said and feelings were hurt (I started it) but today his attempt of being “normal” is just so distant and withdrawn that I am finding it hard to keep my smile going, I feel under pressure a lot of the time, his natural quietness is lovely but sometimes I don’t want to entertain I want to be entertained, and he finds that hard, as I find it hard “being on” a lot of the time.
Anyway, what you want to know is how is Spain? How is my brother?
Spain is beautiful, yesterday we drove to Rhonda (the birthplace of Bull fighting) through the mountains, it is beautiful, and we visited a lovely church, it had originally been a mosque which the Christians claimed for themselves and “blinged” it up! The beautiful weather and the stunning scenery has blown me away. The port where my brother lives is beautiful and we can see Gibraltar in the distance, on a clear day the coast of Africa.
My brother, looks amazing, he has lost weight, fab tan, only his blue eyes give him away as a non local! He has loads of friends, almost a new family and his mental attitude is so confident and motivated I am so happy for him! He is renting an apartment, two bedrooms, two bathrooms, huge, really airy and beautiful, five pools in the complex, Five hundred and fifty euro a month……
As for me I want to move, I want to take my kids and load up the car and just move, at home we scrap and scrimp, hoping to some day have enough to retire to sunnier climes…..fuck it, I want it now!