My mum had cancer nearly twelve years ago, she had a type of cancer called Non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, her doctor missed the growth on her neck, and misdiagnosed the other symptoms for several years before she discovered she had cancer, but at that stage it had spread and her chances of survival were only 40%. Mum underwent chemotherapy and radiation, it nearly killed it. But she survived.
A year after her treatment stopped we celebrated, five years after treatment stopped we celebrated, and ten years after her treatment stopped we had all forgotten and it passed without remark.
Now it looks like the big C has made a return visit, she has to have CT scan in November (earliest appointment available) and a colonoscopy, the growth, tumour whatever it is, is located near or on or in her bowel.
I feel empty and hollow, we nearly lost her before, and afterwards she said she couldn’t do it again, she just couldn’t fight, and that was when she was still in good health, now she is in constant pain from her bone disease, I know she won’t fight it, I know what is gonna happen this time.
I love my mum so much, so what you say, everyone loves their mum, but I mean I still need her, since becoming a mum, since losing my relationship she is my rock, I can tell her things I can’t tell anyone else, I can let my real feelings show to her, I can sob in front of her, I can be a little girl, I can be scared, I don’t have to worry about being strong.
I feel a bit like my daughter when I leave her at the school in the morning, everyday she’ll say “I’ll miss you mummy!”, it’s not a sad thing, she just wants me to know, and she trots off happily, when I pick her up at home-time she’ll say, “I missed you”. It’s such a strong connection a mother and child, it doesn’t weaken over years in fact as life gets more complicated and things change the ties that bind us tighten.
My boyfriend says not to worry, don’t jump the gun, wait to see what the scans say, but he didn’t see her last time, it’s abstract to him, and to you, to me it’s my mum, I’m part of her, and even the remote chance that this is the end of the most significant relationship in my life is terrfying….