Alone

I haven’t posted in a few weeks, I just can’t,  I am feeling so amazingly low I can’t even get the energy up to moan about how crap I feel everything is. Talking to an old friend last week and he said he stopped blogging cos all he did was moan and as he was sick of listening to himself moaning he couldn’t understand how anyone could bear to read it, and that’s how I feel.

In short halfway through my fourth pregnancy, feeling crap, trapped, unattractive, inhuman, nasty, boring, mum is still the same, no scans or tests yet, so no results, I am broke (I know everyone is in that sinking boat), so unbelievably stressed, I wound up in Holles Street last Saturday morning after my blood pressure went through the roof, I am mother and semi stepmother from hell at the moment, the tiniest thing is too much for me, and I am no fun at all.

I am lonely.

I have been thinking about this a lot the last few weeks, I am so lonely a lot of the time, a stay at home mums life with a baby is a pretty lonely one, you grab conversations at the school gate, I am never alone, I always have my 18month old with me, and my tow older kids talk constantly, but I am lonely.

I am lonely and proud though, I have a good neighbour/friend but I leaned on her so much last year when my hubby left that I don’t want to over do the pressure on her, I ask her in for tea and cake, and she is obviously aware of how lonely I am as she never says no, but I don’t want her to feel sorry for me, in fact I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me…. in the real world anyway, here in the blogsphere it’s OK, cos you don’t know me!

I am worried about myself lately, I spend a lot of time feeling alone, even with my partner, who is a wonderful kind gentle spirited man ( he really deserves a lovely easy going girlfriend, someone “chirpy”) I think I was so intertwined with my husband that when we parted there was a huge hole and that hole is still there, and in it is the belief that we are all alone, forever, no matter what happens, you could be with the love of your life for thirty years and still you are alone.I never felt like that before, I believed in a possible unity of soul mates. Sometimes now I find myself slipping, starting to think about my new partner like that, allowing myself to be open, thinking I couldn’t bear to be without him,believing in destiny and second chances. But I have to reign that in, because real grown up life has shown me that people are only human and you can only ever truly rely on yourself.

I know I sound really bitter, I don’t see it as bitterness, more sadness. It’s been a year, I think I’ve done OK, my kids are happy, well adjusted, probably happier than they were when my ex and I were together and arguing. I am in a relationship (OK, baby was not on the cards, or living together) I feel OK a lot of the time, but then the times when I don’t feel alright……like the last couple of weeks….it’s really hard. I wonder am I really OK, or is it that for so long I pretended to be OK, trying to be strong for the kids, for my folks for my friends, even for my ex! I really didn’t want to be the sobbing weak woman, did I just convince myself I was OK, did all the pretending and positive affirmation brainwash me into believing I was OK…am I OK?

I look in the mirror lately and apart from the fuzzy hair and unkempt eyebrows I don’t know who that tired middle aged woman is, she is a good person, a lovely woman, kind, would do anything for anyone….that’s not the person I want to see in mirror, because she isn’t a happy person, investing herself in other people, her happiness is a reflection of other peoples. If I spend my energy trying to make them happy and it results in a negative or lukewarm response I am upset, I have wasted my time.

I am hormonal, pregnant, stressed beyond belief and last couple of weeks I feel like the fight has just left me, I want to just close my eyes and have someone else do the thinking for me and the kids, I have only been alone for a year but I feel like I’ve aged a couple of decades in that time. I want to make everyone proud, walk tall, show the world I am a worthwhile person, not just another stupid moany separated woman, but I’m starting to see that maybe the bitterness and anger is better, it’s really hard to be even tempered, well for me anyway. Maybe if I let myself hate him for what happened in my life I’d be stronger?

But I don’t hate him, in fact at times like now when I am this horrible blob of raw emotion I wonder how he managed to stick it out for as long as he did?

Maybe my blog has run it’s course? This is not entertaining for me or anyone who might still read it.

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14 thoughts on “Alone

  1. hey midget, please don’t stop blogging! i always look out for a new post, see how you’re doing! apart from for my benefit, keep blogging as therapy!
    the ‘imaginary friends’ from the blogworld are great against loneliness. at least i hope so, seeing as i’m on maternity leave now and find myself turning into a recluse that doesn’t really want to leave the house!
    have you talked to your GP/midwife about prenatal depression? i know everybody talks about PostND, but i’m pretty sure the pregnancy hormone cocktail can let things slide out of balance before birth as well! and some of what you write in this post does sound like symptoms of depression.
    I hope you get a good bank holiday weekend to make everything seem brighter again! maybe a little party? or some alone-time with a bubble bath and scented candles, to counteract the never-alone-but-feeling-lonely time during the week?
    i wish i could help but i know when you’re down in the dumps every bit of advice sounds hollow and shallow and just not good enough.
    not sure if you want to leave this as a comment or delete it. maybe i should have sent it as an email?
    virtual hugs from the other side of town…
    peitseoga

  2. Your blog doesn’t have to be entertaining. As a reader I am invested in you, and in reading how things are for you – whether things are good, bad or indifferent. However I do understand that when it feels like the horrible parts of life just aren’t changing day to day, the last thing you want to do is to talk/write about it. But I just hope you don’t close yourself off to using your blog as an outlet. And I wish I could whisk you out of your home for a time, to give you a holiday. Is there anyone who could look after your children, so you could have a respite from mothering, or anyone you could go and visit with, even for a short stay?

  3. I think the majority of pregnant people are miserable too, though. I know I was. I think prenatal depression is both common and somewhat inevitable.

    I suppose you just have to keep reconnecting with the feelings that made you decide to keep the baby. I don’t know if there’s any way to escape the realities of life a t the moment.

    I think Peitseoga’s idea is a good one, it’s a good time to go do some talking, esp if you feel like you don’t want to blog.

  4. Don’t give up. On any of this. Your writing is beautiful and sensitive and warm and whether you know it or not you have a lot of readers who care about your story and where it goes and how you are doing. Like Péitseoga I keep an eye out for new posts all the time and my heart leaps when I see one.

    You are not alone.

  5. I don’t feel sorry for you – I think you’re too strong for anyone to have pity on you. But maybe that’s part of it – you’re too strong. Perhaps letting down your defenses, opening up and letting the sadness out (and in turn, the happiness in) is a solution. These are only words, I know, and I can’t see what’s going on in your head, but you have people around you who care and are there for you.

    I hope this is a temporary feeling, MW. It’s so tough for you right now and I’m not sure what advice I can give, but regarding your blog, don’t worry about being entertaining. The blog is here for many reasons and your readers should be way down the list of reasons. This is a place for you to organise your thoughts and get things out. Use it to its fullest.

  6. Hey Midge, apologies for getting to this late. I’m off next Tuesday, fancy doing something? Coffee, in yours if you can’t get away or I can meet you somewhere. Would love to talk and attempt (!!) to cheer you up!!!

  7. Hey lovely lady, all I can offer is a giant hug, when I get to see ya next.. and an offer to do everyhting i possibly can to help you out… I really hope this is temporary miserable ness, and that you’re feeling better in no time…

    Blog wise – i’d say go with whatever you feel like, a break in teh real world might be nice, but blogging i’ve always found whether on my own, or on the anonymous ones, is kinda cathartic…

    I’ve prob spelled many things wrong here… apologies…

    xx

  8. I’ve only turned on computer after weekend now guys….

    Thank you so much for the lovely comments, really helps, although even just reading my post makes me cry again.

    I think there is a lot of truth in what you all said, even if bits of it hurt to admit they might be true, but everything has happened so quickly, new partner, new living arrangements, new baby, when all my old stuff is still hanging around.

    I think I’ll continue to blog intermittently for the time being, it does help, I worry about how my partner will react to me talking about my feelings like this, and that in a way has censored me too…

    Thank you so much everyone

    xx

  9. Beautiful heartfelt post. I can empathise with a lot of it, as I have been there. Pregnant and alone with a toddler in tow. Himself could only come home for two days then was gone again up until the day I gave birth then a week after she was born was off again. It was hard and miserable and lonely.

    You would think that having been there I would have something of value to contribute, but I don’t really, only to assure you that it does get better. I was diagnosed with PND and took some meds for a little bit and it helped I guess, but ultimately time was the big healer. Don’t rule out depression, it doesn’t necessarily mean suicidal thoughts and the like. Just know that there is help out there.

    As for blogging, well, that’s your call. I saw it as therapy, not having found anyone good elsewhere, but if it adds an emotional drag to an already stressful time, then maybe it’s best to hold off.

    Hang in there… thinking of you…

  10. Like Standard Bearer said, you are not alone. Everyone feels sad, lonely and desperate at times, if it helps to cry then cry, if it helps to blog, then blog.

    I feel like I always say the wrong thing but if I was you, I’d try my best to get out and about, take your mind off yourself, talk to friends, talk to your partner. Try not to let your thoughts eat you up.

    Easier said than done I know 🙂

  11. You need some hugs and pampering. I was an at home Mom seemingly forever and much of it was lonely even though you are not alone. You need more adult interaction. It’s hard though when all your friends are working. Are there any community groups that get together? (Baby and me type perhaps?) You will get to spend a little time with people in the same boat. I took up bowling once a week – they had inexpensived babysitting available and I got to be with grownups. It saved my sanity and was relatively inexpensive.

  12. I met your partner a few weeks back and said it to him there and then I must give midge a buzz, I am a wanker!!!

    I cant believe I never phoned, but other stuff just kept me busy and I totally feel like shit now. I have always said it to you all you need do is get in your car and pop out to us. Sure you have him to look after the kids, so if you are that alone just give me 10 minutes and get out here!!!

    I am so sorry to see you like this, its not you! I will give you a buzz though tomorrow and have a bit of a laugh, although to be honest I am a moody fuck at the moment so maybe we could moan a bit together 😀

    You will get through this phase you are strong.

  13. *bites lip at McaWilliams accurate portrayal of himself* 😉

    Isn’t it amazing how many people you have lurking in the background who care about you and your story?

    Maybe sometimes we all need to stop lurking and start re-engaging in realworld friendships.

    Sometimes I’m not sure if the internet and blogging are good things.

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