I haven’t posted in a few weeks, I just can’t, I am feeling so amazingly low I can’t even get the energy up to moan about how crap I feel everything is. Talking to an old friend last week and he said he stopped blogging cos all he did was moan and as he was sick of listening to himself moaning he couldn’t understand how anyone could bear to read it, and that’s how I feel.
In short halfway through my fourth pregnancy, feeling crap, trapped, unattractive, inhuman, nasty, boring, mum is still the same, no scans or tests yet, so no results, I am broke (I know everyone is in that sinking boat), so unbelievably stressed, I wound up in Holles Street last Saturday morning after my blood pressure went through the roof, I am mother and semi stepmother from hell at the moment, the tiniest thing is too much for me, and I am no fun at all.
I am lonely.
I have been thinking about this a lot the last few weeks, I am so lonely a lot of the time, a stay at home mums life with a baby is a pretty lonely one, you grab conversations at the school gate, I am never alone, I always have my 18month old with me, and my tow older kids talk constantly, but I am lonely.
I am lonely and proud though, I have a good neighbour/friend but I leaned on her so much last year when my hubby left that I don’t want to over do the pressure on her, I ask her in for tea and cake, and she is obviously aware of how lonely I am as she never says no, but I don’t want her to feel sorry for me, in fact I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me…. in the real world anyway, here in the blogsphere it’s OK, cos you don’t know me!
I am worried about myself lately, I spend a lot of time feeling alone, even with my partner, who is a wonderful kind gentle spirited man ( he really deserves a lovely easy going girlfriend, someone “chirpy”) I think I was so intertwined with my husband that when we parted there was a huge hole and that hole is still there, and in it is the belief that we are all alone, forever, no matter what happens, you could be with the love of your life for thirty years and still you are alone.I never felt like that before, I believed in a possible unity of soul mates. Sometimes now I find myself slipping, starting to think about my new partner like that, allowing myself to be open, thinking I couldn’t bear to be without him,believing in destiny and second chances. But I have to reign that in, because real grown up life has shown me that people are only human and you can only ever truly rely on yourself.
I know I sound really bitter, I don’t see it as bitterness, more sadness. It’s been a year, I think I’ve done OK, my kids are happy, well adjusted, probably happier than they were when my ex and I were together and arguing. I am in a relationship (OK, baby was not on the cards, or living together) I feel OK a lot of the time, but then the times when I don’t feel alright……like the last couple of weeks….it’s really hard. I wonder am I really OK, or is it that for so long I pretended to be OK, trying to be strong for the kids, for my folks for my friends, even for my ex! I really didn’t want to be the sobbing weak woman, did I just convince myself I was OK, did all the pretending and positive affirmation brainwash me into believing I was OK…am I OK?
I look in the mirror lately and apart from the fuzzy hair and unkempt eyebrows I don’t know who that tired middle aged woman is, she is a good person, a lovely woman, kind, would do anything for anyone….that’s not the person I want to see in mirror, because she isn’t a happy person, investing herself in other people, her happiness is a reflection of other peoples. If I spend my energy trying to make them happy and it results in a negative or lukewarm response I am upset, I have wasted my time.
I am hormonal, pregnant, stressed beyond belief and last couple of weeks I feel like the fight has just left me, I want to just close my eyes and have someone else do the thinking for me and the kids, I have only been alone for a year but I feel like I’ve aged a couple of decades in that time. I want to make everyone proud, walk tall, show the world I am a worthwhile person, not just another stupid moany separated woman, but I’m starting to see that maybe the bitterness and anger is better, it’s really hard to be even tempered, well for me anyway. Maybe if I let myself hate him for what happened in my life I’d be stronger?
But I don’t hate him, in fact at times like now when I am this horrible blob of raw emotion I wonder how he managed to stick it out for as long as he did?
Maybe my blog has run it’s course? This is not entertaining for me or anyone who might still read it.