My daughter is 6 on Wednesday, I can’t believe it! Six years ago I was pregnant, I had high blood pressure and was in and out of Holles street hospital, expecting my second child some time in the middle of January. I went in for my usual check up of lying in bed for a few hours to see what was going on, and the doc decided it was time for baby to come out, so after a painful quick delivery my little daughter was born, we had planned on calling her Mia, but when she was lifted up onto my belly (after she flew out, midwife said if she hadn’t caught her as quickly as she did she would have hit the wall!!!) I looked at this little soggy, steaming bundle and I said, “Hello Holly”. And that’s my little Holly Dolly, I can’t imagine her being a Mia, she is so suited to her name.
It’s lovely to write this down, you see not being with my first three children’s dad means I no longer have anyone to talk to about things like the babies births. Now when I remember the past events when he was there I have to edit him out. It’s actually quite difficult, but I have to do it. You see now I couldn’t possibly talk to him about any of those things, everyone says time is a healer and it’s over two years now and I don’t hurt as much as I did, it’s not raw anymore, that’s due to my amazingly supportive women friends, my folks and my new partner who I am convinced is a saint (or a lemming) as I zig zag between trust and distrust, hope and despair! But even though it’s not raw, it hasn’t healed over the way I’d like, I had hoped that time and distance would bring me peace, that I would feel comfortable around my ex, as you would an acquaintance, but that hasn’t happened. I find it ten times more difficult now to be around him, because we had over one and a half decades together, and now it’s like those years never happened, yet we have three children as a result? I find it hard to belive that this man is someone I spent so long with.
I think maybe that this is what happens to some people while still in relationships , I know men who are married for years and then they leave, sometimes they jump ship to a different woman, but sometimes they just leave. Maybe this weird sense of disconnection can happen in a relationship, you find your self looking at your partner and you feel like all the closeness and honesty between you and your partner meant nothing? Maybe that’s what happens? I am pretty sure that my ex feels like that about me, and that he did for at least a few months before he left, then again who knows.
So I had a surprise birthday tea for my daughter yesterday, I wanted just a couple of her close friends, and some of the people who had been such a great support to us all, especially this year when my youngest baby was born. I asked her dad initially, as every year since we split I have asked him, then I realised that I didn’t want him there, I wanted my family, my friends, my daughters friends, my kids and my new partner, so I uninvited him, it was awful, it hurt him a lot, but It hurts me to have him around, it hurts when one of the kids does something fabulous and my ex will say how great they are and will bask in the glory of their achievement, and I am thinking it must be great to share the joy, while I am changing stinky nappies and doing homework and practising lines for p[lays!
I wouldn’t swap though, last week I saw Holly in her christmas play, she was amazing and she didn’t take her eyes off me, I had shivers going up and down my spine and I felt so lucky to be the one there with them for all these wonderful things! Then again fifteen minutes later, when she was moaning that she was tired and I wasn’t “allowed” to talk to another mother, I wanted to run away and hide in the crib, but I suppose that’s parenthood