I have never, ever liked Christmas. Today I had Christmas for my partner and I and our children, which totals six between us, it has been awful, we aren’t talking. I feel like running away,but I’ve had two glasses of wine and I can’t.
Last week speaking to one of the mummy friends I said by hook or by crook I am going away next christmas, it’ll either be my partner and our son, while my other three stay with their dad, or if everything has gone tits up by then I’ll go alone.
I’m so tired of everything being a fight, I fight with my kids, I fight with my ex, I fight with my partner, yesterday I even had a disagreement with my mother over a friend of mine who she described as “lazy”, my friend has three children under the age of five! I really need a break but a break is not forthcoming. I won’t just dump my kids on my current partner and feck off, I could I suppose but I won’t. A side effect of my failed relationship of 17 years has resulted in a deep sense of insecurity and unworthiness.
I suppose the fact that I can recognise these feelings should mean that I can manage them and maybe overcome them but it doesn’t seem to work that way. I don’t want to be a victim, I don’t want to be someone who people feel sorry for, but I would like every now and again a little bit of a lift, a hand to lift me over a particularly bad patch, I don’t want to have to ask, I am really bad asking for help, but I would like a helping hand every now and again.
Anyway, I am a total Scrooge, maybe one day I’ll feel happy and content and Christmas won’t be a terrible anti climax, until then I say Bah Humbug!