Drink, Arse, Girls!

What’s your favourite curse word, what do you say when someone cuts you off in traffic, or when you drop your favorite mug (around that time of the month). I have a nine year old, a three year old and a two month old, so my curse words have to be by their very nature child friendly, having said that I do often have my moments, one particularly bad day when I was pregnant I was having an awful day and someone nearly drove into the side of my car, two kids in the car, me nine months pregnant, I lost my temper and shouted out the “c” word, I hate that word, I really do, but I said it, and my little girl said whats a “c” mommy?

So generally I try to stick to none specific words, Spongebob Squarepants has provided a few, barnacle head and tartar sauce being two of the best. My little princess is fond of Boobie head! Her favorite word tough is the “F” word, yes, that “F” word not the one loved by Fr Jack but the other one, she uses it in the same way her daddy does, it’s the seasoning on her conversation! We try to ignore her as all the books say we should, but it’s difficult, Sometimes I want to laugh out loud and other times I want to strangle her!!

My son who is nine has never cursed, he’s quite a prude actually, one night he was watching his favorite football team play and lose, he was nearly crying and he turned to me and said, “Mum, can I say the “F” word?” I tried not to laugh and said no, then i left the room and went upstairs to laugh! I hope he is always as respectful towards me, it’s doubtful though!

Which one is wearing fake tan?

My natural skin tone is blue, blue in the winter and red in the summer, well unless I cover up totally in a thick white layer of factor 50 sun cream. My little man is being baptised on Sunday and I am wearing a nice summer dress, so out comes the fake tan, I am not good with fake tan! My husband has to apply it for me, not just on the bits I can’t reach but all over cos I’m so crap at it I wind up looking like one of Willy Wonka’s little workers. My skin goes red in the sun and then orange with fake tan, I never get a “golden glow”, I never look like I’ve visited St. Tropez, unless the beaches in St Tropez are filled with people wielding water pistols full of orange paint.

So what do I do? Usually I’m so pale and quite happy to be pale but, for special occasions I do like to cover up the blueness of my legs with a bit of a glow. Maybe I should embrace my deathly pallor, it was very useful indeed in my days as a goth, maybe I should return to that! Give up on trying to look healthy and just accept that some people were born to be white!