New Years Eve Post!

Please, please play the clip above! I love Doris Day! (note to self, write blog post about confusing childhood feelings for Doris Day, esp. as Calamity Jane)

So it’s 31st of December 2007, I did my first blog post on the 1st of May, I had no idea my year was gonna turn out the way it did, or that the blog would be a record of my ups and downs, my triumphs and failures! Maybe if I’d know the way the rest of the year was gonna go I wouldn’t have begun to blog about my life at all! There are advantages and disadvantages to blogging, honestly about my life. At times I can look at something I’ve written and feel relief at having vented and released the problem, worry, obstacle or whatever, but at other times when I vent I look at what I have written and I feel very ashamed of my feelings or uncomfortable with what I have written.

I began my blog because I felt very isolated after the birth of my third child, I felt so bereft, the birth of a wonderful little man and the changes he brought into my life felt like the worst thing that could possibly happen. Then several months later I discovered things about my partner and our relationship that meant our relationship couldn’t possibly continue anymore, so again I couldn’t imagine anything worse that could happen. Now of course I know there are hundreds of worse things that could happen! But in the moment you are overwhelmed with the power and the emotion of the situation.

Truth is I am 34 (35 on the 4th April, same day my son will be one….I want a huge party guys….huge!) and I have 3 beautiful (if currently troubled) children, I was in a relationship for nearly 17 years, which is quite good, and I have good health, physically and mentally, I travelled to the States alone this year, two firsts, travelling abroad alone, and visiting the states! This year has shown me there is nothing….nothing, that I can’t do! I am amazing, I am stronger than I ever believed I was, I am a woman who is gonna raise three amazing children and also have a fulfilled and fun filled life, I never thought I was that person, but I am! It took the worst year of my life to let me see how amazing I actually am!

Pavlova Palava!

Today I visited my friends in Prosperous in Co. Kildare, we used to live in the same estate, we actually went to school together, she and her husband have two wee ones, one aged four and one eighteen months. She cooked Sunday lunch for me and my little ones, lovely chicken and garlic in pastry, mashed potato and vegetables. So I brought one of my famous Pavlovas, Big enough to feed at least a dozen people, never mind three adults and five wee people! So we enjoyed our dinner, and then when the meal was over we pulled Christmas crackers and swapped Christmas presents.

Now I have been so exceptionally good over Christmas, I was thinking “what the hell, I am gonna have a lovely big slice of pavlova, topped with pears and chocolate! Yummy!” But it never came, no dessert came, at all! And I had brought the dessert! I now I’m not complaining, but this has happened before, I make something delicious I bring it to someones home and then they don’t cut it, they don’t offer to cut it! What is the story with that? When someone brings something nice to my home I will open it and share it! I have gotten texts from them this evening saying how yummy it is! So they are enjoying it!

Snip Snip!

This is one of the images Goggle offers if you put “Tubal Ligation” into the search engine! Maybe someone will buy me one in the new year, I love the idea of “Reproductive Responsibility”, so anti everything my life has been about until now (ie. “sure what happens,happens!”).

My kids are going through a hard time at the moment, Christmas without their dad, and my daughters birthday, without her dad has been tough on them, the older boy is angry and surly and my daughter is just rebelling against everything and of course the baby is just being a baby. Now my ex is around a couple of evenings a week and for a full 24 hours at the weekend, which is great but if you compare that to 24/7 you can see how hard it is for them. It’s hard for me too, I am who all this anger and rebellion is directed at, because I am the one who is here I suppose, when he is here they are happy so he doesn’t have to deal with it so much. Next week I am away for 4 days and he will be here, maybe that will benefit him and the kids, having to deal with these issues without me?

But last night my daughter freaked out, wouldn’t sleep, screaming shouting, throwing things! It got so bad that at half ten I had to text my ex, asking him to call me, I needed to talk to someone, I felt like I was going crazy, he spoke to her and 20minutes later she was asleep. She woke again at half three and continued on where she had left off earlier, screaming and shouting, remember she shares a bedroom with her older brother and her younger brother was just a few feet away! So sitting there at four in the morning as she shouted how she didn’t want to sleep…etc, etc, I decided what my new years resolution would be, Tubal Ligation! I do not ever want to do this again, as I type this my baby is screaming for no reason, and the two older ones are bickering! I love my children but I am 35 in April and if I got pregnant again, no matter what the circumstances I couldn’t bear it, and as I don’t believe in termination I need to make a commitment to myself never to let myself get into this situation again!

So I have put a reminder in my phone for next week to call my GP and start the process, sure I’ll be waiting for months probably! But then it’ll be bye bye babies!

Cards anyone?

Unlucky in love, Lucky in cards? I am unlucky in both I fear! I am probably one of the only people I know who can’t play any card games beyond Snap, I never, repeat never win…..not even win, break even! I play cards with the kids, snap or happy families and I am slaughtered! I have played poker a couple of times, for money or clothes and you really don’t want to know how those games ended!

I do read the Tarot cards though, I started when I was about 20, stumbled upon them in a shop and bought a Rider Waite deck, that’s the most familiar deck and the one I recognised from movies and tv. I basically just played with them, holding and getting familiar with them, reading a book on cards, studying the pictures, trying to “feel” what each card was saying to me. Then after a couple of months I started to read friend cards (problem with that is you know a certain amount about people and you never know if you are reading things “into” the cards in the spread. Then as i got a bit better I began being asked by these friends to read their friends cards, and so i did.

This went on for several years, at any house or dinner party I was invited to I’d be asked to bring my cards and would spend at least a couple of hours in one of the bedrooms doing readings….it was horrible! Then my son was born, I was 24 and I just stopped going to house parties and dinner parties and I stopped doing the cards, I would occasionally come across them and give them a shuffle but nothing more than that. In the intervening years they have flitted in and out of my life, they always seem to disappear and then reappear just when I need some guidance, or i need to focus my mind on something.

Now I have a different deck of cards now, the Tarot of the Witches, pictured above, about three years ago I was in a shop (during a time when I hadn’t seen my original deck for a year or so) I saw the witches tarot and I just loved the illustrations, the colour and the style is just very Dali I suppose. Again, they have appeared and disappeared over the years, been through several more house moves (during one of these the original deck showed up too).

So the second half of 2007 brought many changes, lots of difficult decisions to be made and new beginnings to start, but my tarot cards remained hidden then the first night science guy (my new sexual partner? boyfriend? friend?) stayed over they made an appearance. I was rooting through my bedside locker looking for the condoms and they appeared, fell out, still wrapped in their silk scarf! I was shocked, no idea how they got there or how I hadn’t noticed they were there! So I have started talking to them again, they have obviously been drawn back to me (or me to them) for a reason, and I’ve managed to convince science guy to let me read his cards, even though he is totally analytical and thinks it’s rubbish he’s willing to let me do it!

It’s late now, I’m brain dead, I’ll post another time about how I think the cards work! Bet you can’t wait!

Sammy the Snake Two The Sequel!

Today I visited Wackers Pet Superstore! The children and I decided to buy a replacement snake, Sammy 2! I do have a lovely couple of pictures to put up on the blog but I haven’t been able to download them yet! So the picture above is a fully grown Corn snake, the same colour as mine! He seems a bit more frisky than Sammy 1, he was very squirmy and moved around the little box a lot on the way home! He seems to like his new home, and even ate a pinky mouse for his dinner! I am taking no chances this time and I did a bit of DIY on the tank today with bluetack, just in case this guy is another vanishing snake!

I’ll post the pictures as soon as I can! Fingers crossed that he’ll be ok, and that he’ll stay in the tank!

I love you Rufus!

I watched some of the history boys tonight and Rufus was playing over the credits! God his voice is just amazing….I melt when I hear it!

Bare Naked Music!

OK, haven’t posted much music recently! So after the miserable Christmas posts here’s my favorite boys! This is off the first album, Gordon, love that album, love that song!

Chocolate Salami!

I know it’s a crappy picture but this was the remains of the chocolate salami that Jo brought me back from Italy! It was yum, although nothing like my version which is less crunchy! Thanks Jo it was lovely!

My Christmas Carol!

Happy Christmas! I am sitting here in my sitting room blogging and watching crap music videos! My oldest son is in the office, playing the new Nintendo DS Lite thingy he got for Christmas! My two younger ones are upstairs (don’t think my daughter is asleep yet)! I am drinking a hot whiskey (medicinal) and when I have blogged this I am gonna have a look at my tarot cards and then watch some of the Peep Show DVD I got for Christmas (I actually got series two and three so if anyone needs any ideas for my birthday in April then I’d love series one or four!!! I also got High Fidelity on DVD! So the DVD’s will help get me through the next couple of weeks until the kids go back to school!

So how was your Christmas? Are you stuffed! Did you eat all the (mince) pies? I have a confession to make, not one sweet or chocolate or dessert passed my lips! Now I had the whole roast dinner (4 of my mums sexy roast potatoes) but she burnt the custard so she threw out the trifle, which was the thing I was really, really looking forward to! So in theory I was relatively good today! I have to tell the truth, the dinner did nothing to me, the four roast potatoes were lovely, but the meal wasn’t what it has been in the past!

So today was my first Christmas as a single woman in 17 years! It was definitely different, both from the last single Christmas I had and also the last 16 Christmases. It began at 7:40 this morning, I had warned the kids I just wasn’t getting up before half seven! We four traipsed down stairs, Santa had been, and even though he was very reserved, much more so than in previous years they were happy! Then we opened the few presents under the tree, I had a real surprise my friend’s mother, who I’d exchange cards with had put two hundred and fifty Euro in the card this year (she is devastated at my separation, her daughter and I are friends since we were four). I started to cry, sitting in front of the Christmas tree!

Then my ex arrived, I cooked a full Irish and we began the great gorge that is Christmas, I only had fried egg and black pudding (Rudds black pudding….yummy) Then we swapped presents with the kids, and he spent some time with then as I marinated in a lush bath, then I took my time getting ready, but my dress, although I liked it depressed me a bit, grey lace? Grey isn’t me. Over to my ex in laws (silver lining anyone? -sorry!) Then to my mums for the two hours of hell, uncomfortable silence and eating.

It was in my folks house that the highlight of my Christmas occurred, after dinner we all swapped presents I gave my folks their gifts, Chanel Homme for my dad and Noa for mum. They then produced my gift, “very big and bulky”, I thought to myself, “Oh no, Clothes!” I needn’t have worried it wasn’t clothes, it was bed clothes, a hideous red synthetic fluffy robe in size 22/24 and a flannelet nightdress size 20/22, long sleeves, high neck, hideous floral pattern! Any self respecting granny would have refused to have been buried in it, it’s that bad! I just held it in my hands, looked at it, the tears prickling the back of my eyes, I am only 34 (35 in April) but it’s like now my life is over, my partner has left me, I am no longer a vibrant young woman now I’m a hardened survivor, I don’t think I can be that person, I don’t want to be that person!

I am feeling so low, so tired, so cynical, so disheartened, so lonely, I can’t even bear to call any of my friends, I know they’d be there to talk to me, but I can’t talk, as I write this I am crying, well the tears just won’t stop! I know it’s a bad time of year, I know it’ll get better, I know I’ll be ok next year, but it’s just so hard.

Sorry guys, I suppose I just hope that if I write all this here next year I’ll be able to look at it and say, well at least I’m not that bad this year! Anyway Nollaig Shona Duit!

Oh, as a Post Script I also have the mental age of 61 in the Brain Training thing……..which could be a problem, seeing as I have decided to return to university in 2008!

Merry Christmas!

Sorry, love the picture, animated porn is so much more exciting than the real life stuff!! I want to be reincarnated as a animated lesbian! Happy Christmas everyone! This is my first Christmas as a blogger!

Sending all my readers a huge kiss and all of my positive energy!

**** Christmas!

I am sorry, and I know you are all gonna think badly of me but I ****ing hate Christmas! I am sitting here, it’s twenty five to nine, the baby is asleep, but the older two are wide awake and wired! (to the fucking moon!) I have had a load of neighbours visit tonight, I have handed out gifts I have received boxes of chocolates with a smile on my face! But I just hate this, I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to have to spend Christmas alone with my children, I don’t want to do Santa solo! I am just so lonely and sad tonight!

I am kinda wishing I didn’t have the kids, I wish my ex did, then the pressure would be off. I love my children, i want Christmas to be magical but my reserves of emotional strenght are totally used up and it is difficult not to lose patience when they won’t sleep! I am just sad, my ex has just been talking to me, he is upset too, he misses the kids, we miss him….please tell me it will get easier!

I am going to my mums tomorrow, she is a good Christmas dinner chef but a crap hostess! The attitude she loves is, eat and get out! And she thinks she is doing us a favour! I am dreading it! Kids will be up early and my ex will arrive at around half ten and I’m cooking a full Irish. After I’ve cleaned up I’m gonna feck off up to the bath , where I’ll face pack and de fuzz! I have some lush lovely stuff! I also have a great book to take to the bath with me!

I just wish it was anytime of the year except Christmas! You know I have good friends but my friends are all up to their nads at this time of the year and I am aware that I don’t want to impose on them! I just miss the closeness of having a partner to share the evening with! Well to be precise I miss the partner I spent the last 17 years with! And now my son who is nearly ten is experiencing his first Christmas without his daddy! I feel really crappy, how fucked up am I that I couldn’t keep my husband long enough to see my kids into teenage years!

I am 34 years old, I am single for the first time, I am trying to make my life a new positive life, as I believe that is the only way to do this, the only way to make my children happy too. But it is so difficult, I just want my ex to wrap his arms around me, tell me it’s gonna be ok! But that is never gonna happen and I know that, I refuse o live in denial or hope for even a few hours! Bit it’s hard being realistic and honest, at times like this denial looks good!

I did it!

This is the one stone necklace, I got it in Pilgrim on Thursday, as I had lost another three and a half pounds, taking my total weight loss to fifteen and a half pounds! So I lost my first stone, and then some!

If I keep up my weight loss as it is going currently I’ll be slim, but I’ll have so many jewelery mementos I’ll be blinging!

I love graveyards!

Isn’t it amazing? It’s Kyoto cemetery in Japan, and knowing the population of Japan I am assuming that the people lucky enough to have the money for a grave are very wealthy and the rest are cremated! But look at it, all the people, all those lives, remembered by a stone!

I love graveyards, always have done, I have written in a previous post (probably more than once) about my family’s connections to death, like Six feet under but totally unsexy! As a child I developed a weird acceptance of death, it was talked of as a very natural, everyday thing , it was my family’s bread and butter…so it was boring! I was often brought to graveyards, or into funeral homes, sat up on tables beside bodies, played in coffins! I always thought the funeral homes were really sophisticated and swish, velvet drapes, fresh flowers, red carpets, in fact the first time I went to the Library Bar in Lily’s Bordello I remember thinking it was just like the funeral homes, but with a piano instead of a coffin in the middle of the room!

So as a youngster we used to go visit our dead relatives, we’d make a day of it, bring a picnic, have a bit of fun, nice chat, a few decades of the rosary around the grave, we might even visit the relatives still alive who lived nearby! Then as a Gothic teenager I liked nothing better than a good old nose around a graveyard, not with my family anymore but either my boyfriend or one of my mates! Glasnevin was a favorite spot for this, Graveyards like Palmerstown were too new, whereas there was so much history somewhere like Glasnevin. There was a small protestant church nearby to my school and it had a really lovely graveyard, 200 year old grave stones! So when I was mitching off school with my delinquent friend we used to head there, get changed out of our uniforms (lesbian graveyard erotica anyone?) and then we’d sit on the stones smoking! Good times!

Jo the Mama was saying her little 5 year old has developed a fixation with death recently and is asking to visit graves, now I have to say I don’t think it’s a bad thing, maybe a more natural approach to death would be better? Jo has an amazingly natural attitude to life anyway.

Now I still like graveyards, but a 34 year old woman wandering around is considered a but strange so I don’t visit them. I have several people that I was incredibly close to, people I loved who have died and I never visit their graves. They aren’t there, the moment the last breath leaves the body the energy and life force passes out into the universe, leaving just a husk behind. And why should I visit a hole in the ground that contains a husk? It would be like having a really beautiful plant and when the plant died burying the pot it lived it? then visiting that buried pot for several decades!

So I suppose my fixation with graveyards is to do with the fact that I never knew the dead, and in my head I create little stories, who each person was, how they lived, what they died from…I just love all that. The fact that 200 years after they died I was wandering through a graveyard looking at there gravestone. Some religions believe that we only really die if people forget about them, so maybe when I look at the grave stone and my mind wanders to the person who died it in someway keeps them alive?

Pilates for Klutzs!

Ok, so a friend of mine has problems with her back and she has been told to begin Pilate’s classes, so seeing as I have started exercising recently so she asked me to go with her! I had to tell her the truth….the terrible truth about me and Pilate’s!

So before I was a mum of three and a “stay at home” I had a job (and a life) I was working in a construction insurance company, so give me a call if you decide to build a couple of houses, while there we had subsidised exercise classes, i decided to sign up for the pilates classes, apparently any shape or size can do it!

Well apparently any shape or size can do it but not me! My klutzism is legendary! So with some serious arm twisting I decided to go! I got my runners and my leggings and top, I was thinking beautiful thoughts! Then the lovely girl giving the class asked us to take off our shoes and socks…….NO NO NO! I have a huge problem with feet, mine or anyone elses! So that threw me.

Then the class started, telling us to do very specific moves, involving left and right, I was dead in the water! I don’t know the difference between left and right! So lovely Blondie, possibly Australian or new Zealander, helped us out…in particular, helping me pull in my tummy, push out my butt! I was mortified, singled out in a room of 12 women. So I managed to pull it in and stick it out while standing on one leg.

Then she said swing out your right arm…….and I did….and it came into contact with my neighbours face. (“Your other right arm Midge!”)..while her hand came into contact with my chest…serves me right for standing next to someone shorter than me! And before you ask, yes I hurt her!!! So I am probably banned from Pilate’s classes for life!

Silver seven memonto!

Weight loss update

I have lost twelve pounds to date! Now weight Watchers mark every seven pounds (half a stone) that you lose by presenting you with a silver seven sticker, and the another sticker for each stone. You are encouraged to mark how much hard work went into each seven pounds or stone by buying yourself a non edible treat!

So I got my silver seven the other day and yesterday I treated myself to a bracelet in Pilgrim, pictured above. So every time I look at it I am reminded of how well I am doing.

I only have two more pounds to go and I am at a stone , haven’t decided if I’ll get the necklace or matching earrings, but I know I am gonna get there!

Second Date!

I know it’s a classic picture, probably very over done but as a young girl it was what I thought kissing was like! Really, I have mentioned before that I love musicals and the old romantic comedies, well there is no denying is there that this looks like a scene from an MGM Musical (minus the technicolour)! I always wanted to be swept off my feet, for my leg to go up in that classic pose, now looking at it it’s almost like he has her in a head lock hmmm….Don’t think I’d like that!

So why the kiss picture? Why do you think? I have a my second date with nice guy tomorrow night, still unsure as to what we are gonna do, there will be a movie in there, which means sitting in the dark for a couple of hours. I’m glad I don’t know what we are doing, it’s nice not having to make plans, that’s kinda romantic in an old fashioned way isn’t it?

Now if you read my post about the last date you’ll remember it went really well until I ran away home (just call me Cinders, didn’t lose a shoe though!) So tomorrow evening I am gonna have to bite the bullet and kiss him! Now I like him, and we get on really well, we talk on the phone for ages and text and mail and all those things, but….. ! But I’m scared, scared I’ll be a crap kisser, scared he will, scared there will be no spark, scared there will be a spark and where that might lead me! Basically I’m scared!

So I’m thinking of the , “hey, how are you?” hug and kiss, at the start of the date so it’s out of the way! Otherwise it’s gonna be nibbling away at my tummy all night, stopping me from relaxing. I am aware btw how silly this is, and that we should have snogged at this stage, I just feel 16! So tomorrow evening I’ll post again, letting you know if I’ve chickened out or not, I keep changing my mind, will I, won’t I? The treadmill in the gym is the worst place for me, I think far too much as I walk!

Grinchy time!

I’ve already done a post on the group blog I post to today that featured Jim Carey! But here he is again, am I a freak because I find him attractive as a Dr Seuss character? Ok, don’t answer that! I love the Grinch story book, and I love the film (Jim is also starring in Horton Hears a Whoo, which is another of my favorite books, saw the trailer the other night). It’s my favorite recent Christmas film!

But this post isn’t really about that, it’s about how grinchy I’m feeling about Christmas this year. I love Christmas, I mean obviously it has it’s downsides, the over consumerism, the loneliness for people who aren’t blessed with loving families, the over indulgence in food and drink and don’t forget being stuck with members of your family you choose to avoid the rest of a year for a reason. This year is my first year as a separated mummy, it’s hard. The Christmas cards arrive and they are addressed to Midget Wrangler and family, or the wrangler family, people are nervous, they don’t know what to write in the cards! Then there is my own reticence to write my cards, I’ve had to do a few Birthday cards which is ok, but sitting down writing 30 cards just from me and the kids will be hard.

The shopping has been hard, my ex has supplied the money for Santa but doing it all on my own has been hard, lonely. No one to talk to about it, not the usual Christmas traditions we’ve had for years now. I should be trying to make new traditions for the kids but I feel like I’m trying to keep a load of plates spinning and if I have to start on another one the rest will come crashing down. The bit I’m dreading the most is Christmas Eve, putting the kids to bed, then doing Santa Claus, alone, usually our tradition involved Champagne and maybe smoked salmon. Setting everything out and then in the morning looking at the joy on the kids faces! This year I’ll be alone, and although it will be difficult for my ex not to be here he’ll probably be in the pub or something, not thinking about the loneliness of it all (not implying he’s an alco, just that he can do stuff to take his mind off it).

Christmas day we are going to my folks as usual, I love my mum’s Christmas dinner, but it will be difficult, coping with the three wee ones and hauling everything around, with no one special to share the private jokes with. I will head home with the wee ones and most probably open an bottle of wine to drown in! Stephen’s day kids will go to my ex in laws, and spend the night with their dad (he is coming to see them on Christmas morning too so they will be ok), So I’m gonna have Stephen’s day to myself, so I’ll be looking to get blotto! It’s just so different, everything has changed and the first time I do things alone it’s difficult, ok it gets easier but…..

Bye, Bye Love! (Handles)

So, as you know I’m losing weight at the moment, I promised an update so here goes!

I have been watching what I eat for the last six weeks or so, and going to the gym for three, I’ve lost about a stone and I’m shrinking quite rapidly! I have no desire for chocolate or sugary sweets (unless people keep talking about them!) I am drinking a bit more, (I was tee total) So I enjoy a couple of light beers or some vodka when out! I feel great and I think I look well. Energy levels are through the roof. Now there is a down side, my clothes look crap!

There is another side effect, one that I don’t think people would ever think of. I’m changing constantly, so I look a little bit smaller and different everyday, and that new person who’s emerging is interesting and I want to like her but I’m not sure. She likes the fact that she is shrinking which kinda seems disloyal to the old me! Because I’m losing weight people say lots of “wow, you look great!” but i thought I looked great before!

Talking to a friend on Friday about the whole weight loss thing he asked me did I really care what the number on the scale said, would I feel less worthwhile if I didn’t lose weight? I had to really think about that, I do want to lose weight for lots of reasons but also don’t want to betray myself or other big girls who are happy big. It’s a really tough situation to be in.

I suppose the best example i can give is, if you’ve ever given up drink and felt uncomfortable around your friends when they drink, because they feel you are judging them. I don’t want to judge the old me who was happy being big, my life has changed and therefore my lifestyle has had to change too. I was happy being big, and i want to be happy being slightly less big!

My son the Rock Star!

Yesterday my eldest little guy had a football presentation where the Players of the year were given awards and the players of merit were awarded too. Now I knew that he had won player of the year but I didn’t tell him, just because he wouldn’t have slept for the week before hand!

He had bought some new clothes in H&M on Saturday so yesterday morning he was dying to wear his new outfit to the presentation! He got dressed and then came into my room to show me, Hoodie, Silver Surfer T-Shirt and SKINNY jeans….like Axel Rose skinny! He looked so grown up, but also so skinny! I couldn’t ask him to change, cos he was so excited to look like a teenager, but also in my mind was the thought of him in his skinny jeans in the photo’s of the awards!

So we went to the presentation, first kinda social thing we have done since separation, and it was grand, my son’s name was called out (last group to be done of course) and he went up to get his first ever football trophy, I was so proud of him, then watching him chatting away to his friends I realised I haven’t done too bad of a job bringing him up, he’s bright, sporty and popular! Oh and very handsome, even in the silly skinny jeans!

First Date!

Ok so this post has been a coupleof days coming, I think I have had a bit of bloggers block! I have had loads of time so it hasn’t been that, it’s been difficult to write. So if I go off on far more tengents than usual please understand!

So, on Friday night I went on my first date since my separation, in fact my first date ever (teenagers did not “date” in my time), I was very nervous as I hadn’t met the guy before hereafter he will be known as nice guy,(although I lied to my mum -and remember I never lie- that he was a friend of a friend), we got in contact through an internet web site a few weeks ago, started to chat, turned into phonecalls and we got on really well! So on mone hand I knew him quite well, talking for hours late at night you do get to know people, but on the other hand I had never met him and had only seen pictures of him.

The plan on Friday evening was a drink, then food and then another drink or something, being a woman I angsted over what to wear for my night out, dress and boots? That seemed a bit too much (if I’m honest a bit too sexy), Jeans and a nice top? high heels? I decided on jeans, red silk Cami top, red cashmere cardigan,velvet jacket and wedges not stiletto heels! I think I looked nice, I did my make up as usual, and my hair while doing my make up I had a nice little Polish Vodka and some apple juice. Taxi was outside now, so I washed my teeth (sign of a potential alcoholic), reapplied my lip gloss (weird tingly cinnamon/chili one) and off I went!

Taxi driver was a card and told me his life story, and in no time at all we were in Stephen’s green, my mouth was dry now and my heart was pounding, I resisted the urge to ask him to drive around the green a few times! Steeling myself I left my good friend “Frank”, and I headed to the pub, walked straight in, up the stairs to pee, thought about running, decided to stop being a baby and headed in, got a drink then looked around for a familiar face.

There he was, smiling (good sign?) sitting not too far from where I was, went over, awkward hug and peck on the cheek, then it was a bit weird for a few minutes and next thing I knew two hours had passed! We talked a lot about both of our lives and what had brought us to the place we are in now, he was as interesting and entertaining as he was on the phone, so I was ok, he also hadn’t run away yet or received an “urgent” phone call from home! Heading over for a bite to eat I was feeling good, ok I can do this, it’s not so difficult!

Went to Wagamama, which was yummy, had another beer, so I’d had one Polish vodka, one normal vodka and a beer by now, still sober! we chatted away I ate with a fork while he used chopsticks (if I had tried I would have looked like the baby with the spaghetti on her head!). Conversation flowed and as it was quiet it was easier to chat, now he is a really lovely guy and very sweet and complimentary, now I have no idea how to deal with that, when you are in a relationship for nearly 17 years you forget what that is like, so I was basically blushing constantly! Yummy food eaten and bill split 50/50 (see I do watch sex in the city) we head to another bar for a beer, which was great, time flew and we got up to leave, now I’m not boring, but at half twelve I was shattered, I’d been up since six! So he’s a northsider and I’m south we had to part on Grafton street (thems the rules, to stop interbreeding!)

Now here is where is gets sad, and I feel like an edjit, we said good night, and hugged, then he went to kiss me (I mean duh! it’s not like I didn’t think it was gonna happen- I would have been horrified if he hadn’t attempted a kiss) but i panicked, I pressed my lips up against his cheek with a kind of schoolgirl coyness silly for a thirty something mother of three to possess! Then I quickly untangled my self and headed towards the safety of the taxi Q! Shouting back my goodbyes over my shoulder…….OH MY GOD! Am I bloody 16? I got about twenty steps when I just felt so ashamed of myself, here was this lovely guy, who I like and I think likes me and I reject him on Grafton street cos I got scared! So in the taxi Q i texted Science Guy, saying I was an idiot and that I just got freaked….and what do you think he did? He texted me right back saying it was fine and that he hoped I wanted to see him again, so we have another date for this Friday night!

Now my problem is he is sooo kind and caring and lovely, I keep thinking it’s too good to be true!