FAT is not a four letter word!

Yesterday morning I was feeding the little guy and flicking around the music channels when I saw the new Mika video, “Big Girl”, here’s the link you have to check it out on You Tube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcRiXOONqf0 It really, really made my day!

I’m a big girl, I’ve always been big, I’ve never really tried to change it, it’s just me. But over the years I’ve obviously encountered some problems, firstly people think you want to be slim, but actually if i could change one thing about myself, I’d like to be taller, not slimmer. I hate it when people give me diet tips, “Have you tried Weight Watchers?” “What about Atkins?” “My friend found Curves brilliant”. How do i respond to that? “Actually, I like being fat?” Then people assume if you are happy that it’s an act, while obviously I have good days and bad days it’s generally not to do with my weight, I have awful fat days where nothing looks right but if I was a size 6 I’d still have those. In fact I think I look great most of the time, I love pretty things, clothes and jewellery, I like my shoes and make up, I tend to focus on the bits of myself I like, my eyes, my legs and my boobs, so I don’t notice the tummy or bum, try it it works!

Now another issue is I’m a size 18 which is big, but recently skinny has changed from a size 10 to a size 4….so a size twelve is big, I think our brains have already assimilated this shift, while watching another lot of videos recently I saw a Geri Halliwell video, and I thought God she looks fat, she must be a size 10 in the video, but after watching the previous videos where all the women were tiny she looked big! This is a real problem, kids watching videos and reading magazines are gonna be affected even more by this distortion. In the Mika video obviously some of the women are big,big but others are just normal sized, but that’s judged as fat in today’s society!

Now I’m in no way promoting obesity, I think we should all eat healthily (myth number three fat people eat huge amounts of burgers and chocolate and never exercise) I love fruit and veg, fish is my favorite protein, I eat porridge every morning but I definitely drink a bit too much wine and I’m fond of chocolate. But I take responsibility for my health and I try to be responsible and an excellent example to my children, but also I am not ashamed of my body or my size, that would be an awful example to set. I’m beautiful, it’s nothing to do with my size I’m just fab! I know some amazingly beautiful fat women and some not so beautiful, just like I know some gorgeous skinny girls!

Now there has been a huge backlash against the media berating the size zero models and actresses, I think that’s as bad as berating fat people, these girls are naturally thin (now I know some aren’t and this is where the problems start) and they are lucky that being naturally thin has opened doors to them as models (no stranger has never approached me in the supermarket and said, “God you are so fat, you’d be a great spokesperson for my double choc chip ice cream!” ) Why can’t we just celebrate difference in beauty, Skinny, slim, fat ? What’s wrong with that? I know there’s no money in happiness, and that’s the reason, but maybe we could just try to make small changes, accept that beauty comes in many different sized packages and just embrace it.

As my daughters T-Shirt said today “Be cool, Be Happy, have fun”, stop worrying about the bloody bingo wings, or flat chest or wobbly tummy! Love ourselves, we all deserve that!

This is gonna be a two part post I think cos I’m wrecked tonight, but coming soon “If I’m so fecking fat how come you can’t see me?” :-}

Sexy Stitch and Bitch

Ever wanted to knit a Mohawk? Here’s your chance, from the domiknitrix pattern book. What about a little present for your mother in law? How about a Spank me pillow? Seriously knitting is sexy!

Goodbye Kitty!

If you like or don’t like Hello Kitty check out, http://www.goodbyekitty.net/ our friends had a card with a dead Hello Kitty on it, our three year old who loves Hello Kitty was taken with it, not noticing the blood dripping down between her eyes!

It’s an American company who do alternative T-Shirts, great for getting people to do a double take!

Fabric Porn!

Seriously this is fabric porn! It’s like patchwork but it’s sexy…well actually I don’t know if it’s sexy, it doesn’t ring my bell…it’s kind like the porn those characters in the fabric conditioner ads would enjoy!

As for me, and why I’m posting it on my blog, well I tried the lilac, flashing lights, moaning sex toy and I have to post a retraction (oohh mrs!). The mad Japanese sex toy is, without a doubt the best sex toy I have even used! Rearrange these three words, orgasm, spot,G! In fact A to Z really. Now I’m not being vulgar, or trying to embarrass myself or anyone else, but it was fucking fantastic! Yes it’s still gaudy, it would help if it was less, well Japanese, and no, I didn’t have the audio on, but it was quite simply the best I’ve ever used (which is quite a few).

What could be nicer on a cold June evening, when all the weenies are in bed than a little bit of DIY? And if there is a power cut it makes a funky torch!

Things that go Yes, Yes YES! in the night!

They say a picture is better than a thousand words, well if you fancy finding out what this is about check out the other blog I contribute to www.forninepounds.blogspot.com over 18’s only!

Tattoo Who?

Promised I’d post a picture of my “Body Art” managed to get one that doesn’t show my stretchmarks!!! But tattoo looks like it was done in the women’s prison in Mountjoy!!! Thank God it’s on my back!

Wait a sec, is that a stretchmark?

Bellys

I’m so annoyed. Really, really,really annoyed…..and I’ve put off writing this post for days, as I was shaking with rage on Saturday. As you know I have three weenies, the youngest of which is only three months, now my hubby’s parents are very good and have babysat several times since my son was born, but unfortunately they tend to think babysitting my kids puts me in their debt, and that I’ll let them feed the kids crap, let kids run riot, dress them in the shiny tracksuits they buy them and allow them to disregard my parenting. Now anyone who knows me knows, generally, I’m not a woman to mess with, I don’t suffer fools gladly, I can be incredibly short tempered (as I’ve mentioned before), the hulk has nothing on me!

So on Saturday night my in laws arrived after Dr Who to mind the little ones, now myself and the hubby were done up in our best (we were only going to the local, but hey we don’t get out much)! My mother in law came in said hi (now I actually really like her, I don’t agree with her “sweets for all” motto but she adores the kids, and is a lovely woman), so my little girl says “Nana, I’m toilet trained, but I’ve had a few accidents”, her Nana was delighted and said how great she was, at the same time my father in law piped up from behind me, “you better not do that in school or in public”. So I quelled the anger and said we were being totally positive and ignoring the negative, he blanked me and walked into the sitting room. Repeating my “beer for all”, motto in my head I ignored his rudeness and spoke to my hubby’s mum for a few minutes before joining my hubby and kids and his dad in the front room.

My nine year old was lounging on the sofa, as he does, his pj top up, exposing his (totally flat) tummy. My father in law then said, “cover up that belly, you are getting terribly fat”, (even typing that now I feel so angry!) Now this negativity has happened before, his hair is too long, he’s too loud, his football team lose too many matches, we’ve tried a number of approaches, ignoring it, making light of it, talking to him about it or more recently giving our son permission to take the piss out of Granda, (ie. “look at the state of your hair, it’s awful”, “At least I have hair Grandad!”) So, he said my son was getting fat, I felt the red fog rise, then my son took a look at me for approval and said, “it’s not as big as yours Granda!” I hate my kids to be cheeky, but this man is a bully, did this stop the 61 year old bully? No! He made another comment, my son said it wasn’t nice to laugh at people, his Granada replied that he wasn’t the one laughing, everyone else was! The only people laughing were my in laws!

So wanting to avoid a situation that would involve my fist and his face (see picture above), I made the hurry up face at my hubby, he joined me in the hall where I asked him to send the kids out to say goodnight and have a word with his parents, which he did, as I was kissing the kids I hear raised voices from the sitting room. Now the kids had gone back in to the room, my hubby simply asked his dad not to put the kids down, his father wouldn’t accept he was wrong and started (with the echo of his wife) telling my hubby to “drop it”, now the father in law is practically shouting now, my weenies are crying, I had to step up.

“Please stop shouting, you’re upsetting the kids”, oh no, now he rounded on me, both of them, apparently I should stay out of things that involve my family. So calmly and politely (as the blood boiled in my veins) I asked him to leave, my mother in law is now trying to get my hubby and I to shut up (which was the way things were done in their household as kids, you can tell there were no daughters in the house). To cut a long story short I asked them to leave because they were upsetting the kids. He stormed out the front door, cursing to himself, then stormed back in to get his phone and keys, slammed the door behind him! His wife, shooting dagger looks at me, then followed him. Now my kids witnessed all this, they were crying so I went to comfort them, hubby put his arms around me, then said right I’m going out, back in a minute. Stunned and shaking I picked up the phone to call my mum (always, first person for the good or bad news) she talked (and mmm ed ) me down (she mmm’s when she doesn’t want to say anything bad).

Doorbell rings, hubby forgot his keys, he has a bag of ice in one hand and a litre bottle of Paddy in the other! So when the kids went to bed and I stopped shaking (I’m not good at confrontation) we had a couple of stiff drinks and played 80’s Trivial Pursuit. It was a great night.

Tuesday today, still haven’t heard from the in laws, and I don’t want to. We have discussed it and the bottom like is we’ve both made compromises and let his parents have too much influence over the kids, because we wanted babysitters we knew and trusted, but if we paid someone to mind the kids we’d never tolerate such negative behaviour towards our children. Now I know my father in law has issues (who doesn’t) but he passed a lot of his negativity on to my hubby and we don’t want it passed onto the next generation.

So, anyone know a good babysitter, we are taking control of our family!

Toy Boys (and Girls)

As my daughter has been (finally) toilet trained, she was promised a trip to Smyths toy store today to buy a little present as a reward. We piled into the banger at four this afternoon, the shop is fifteen minutes away, ninety minutes later we got home! The trip to the shop was unremarkable, the baby gurgling away and the two older ones bickering, ” if you don’t stop arguing we aren’t going to Smyths!” When we arrived, parked and unloaded ourselves, we headed into Hell, I mean the toy shop.

The eldest guy disappeared, the baby started grumbling and the toddler launched herself in the direction of the girly aisle, all glitter and pink! Now I was never one for dolls, I really liked craft kits and beads, those kinds of things, but my daughter loves barbie, Polly Pocket and The littlest Pet shop, what all these toys have in common is that they have loads of tiny hard plastic bits to make walking in bare feet in the living room impossible.

So there we are standing in the middle of the pink aisle, 98FM blaring out as she pulled every Polly Pocket down for five minutes of debating on each one, “will I get this one with the glittery trousers and the horse or the car that changes colour?” We spent half an hour there until she decided on some littlest pets for the pet shop and the glittery Polly. Into the car, traffic home was rotten.

When we got home my little monster was holding her toys, “Open them mummy!” So I sat down to open them….half an hour later I was still there, each of the little bits was attached with wire or plastic, I got so frustrated, got a scissors then a knife, nothing helped speed up the process. The baby had started to cry at this stage and my older son was asking me to help him with his homework, I was nearly in tears myself! Why, why? Why do they do this? Everything is sealed in a bag or box, there is so much packaging on these toys it’s insane. Are they trying to stop people shoplifting? No cos all the little tiny bits are stuck down, not just the big bits. It’s all a display thing, to make everything look right, don’t worry what it involves in taking it all apart and then putting it all back together, then what do you do with all the tiny little pieces to stop them getting sucked up the hoover or lodged between your toes at 3am!

I was so stressed, I went into the kitchen where the pasta sauce for dinner was simmering away and I poured a large glass of red wine from the bottle I’d opened for the sauce….. Polly Pocket drove me to drink!

I hate Smyths…I hate all toy shops! They may be heaven for kids but they are Hell for me!!!

Look what we made!

A few of my mummy friends and their weenies were in my house last Friday, it was raining and the kids were running around upstairs…I won’t tell you how messy the kids rooms were when everyone left:-) So we were chatting away, everything from circumcision to cocktails and everything in between.

One of my friends who has two school going little ones was giving my little guy his bottle ( I’m very fussy over this, only people I really like and trust are allowed to it, it’s a very personal thing), so as he sucked away she ooh and aah ed over how cute he was, jokingly I asked was she clucky? She replied that her husband gets really bad, whenever he holds new babies, but that their family was complete. The rest of us were laughing at the thought of her big macho, beer drinking husband going soft over babies.

Then she said that every night, when the weenies are asleep, the hubby and herself sneak into their rooms and look at them, saying,”look what we made”. We all laughed, we all feel the same way, we look at our little ones with wonder, (usually when they are asleep, only time they are still enough), and wonder how did our kids get the best bits of both of us, the best being bits we never knew we had. My newest babe laughs in his sleep which I just find so cute, real laughter, his little shoulders jigging up and down. I can’t help but get up and look into his crib and smile, I made that!

What my friend said reminded me of a book I saw in a religious book shop window in Galway several years ago when I only had one child, it was titled, “They’re so good, when they are asleep”. Amen to that!

Ha Ha Ha!

When was the last time you laughed until you choked? Twice in the last week I laughed so hard and so suddenly that what I was drinking came spurting out of my nose! Water on Thursday night and wine on Saturday night. In fact on Saturday night I laughed so hard I thought I’d peed in my knickers! (I didn’t thank god!)

It was great, you know that whole body laughter, you don’t care how stupid you look you can’t keep your dignity, you just hold on to your sides and let rip. Funnily enough I’ve been laughing a lot in the last month or so, when I was pregnant I didn’t laugh much definitely not as much as I have recently.

My lovely baby loves to laugh, so do my other two kids, but the baby doesn’t need a reason to laugh, just a smiley face looking at him. So I’ve been wondering if it’s our natural state, do we associate laughter with people who are a bit silly and immature ? Feck that, I’m loving laughter, I feel great, it’s lovely to smile (and if people think I look like an edjit then feck them!) Is it celebrities fault, do we all want to look like Victoria Beckham, sultry? Is sultry sexy? I think smiling is sexy, I love to see happy people, my mood lifts when someone smiles.

Why don’t we smile all the time? The elderly smile more than we do (well some of them), and yet they’ve been through much harder times than we’ll ever know. We’ve never had it so good apparently but we seem to have lost our sense of reality and awareness of how lucky we actually are. I know it’s the removal of limitations in society, with no class system, celebrity and it’s trappings become attainable, if only for 15 minutes. If fame and wealth are attainable for every one then dissatisfaction becomes the norm as we angst over not possessing these things.

I think we’ve lost our focus, we need to be satisfied with our lot, whatever that is, stop reading Now and Heat magazines and start to smile. Try it tomorrow, make eye contact and smile at someone, the girl in the coffee shop on your way to work or the bus driver, see if they smile back. It’ll make you feel good and it might just make their day.

The Baptism

My little guy had his Baptism last Sunday, I’m only getting around to posting about it now. This is our last Baptism and our first proper party afterwards, it was the service in the local catholic church and then food in the local foodie pub and back to ours for drinks and more nibbles.

It started badly, getting two adults and three little people ready to leave the house for a big day out is not easy, especially when the little guy was being dressed in our family’s very own polyester heirloom, or the amazingly sweaty and slippy christening gown I first wore 34 years ago. They say 9 week old babies aren’t very aware of their environment……I have to disagree, he was disgusted when we put him into the thing, he squirmed and slid about in it. It was a sunny day last Sunday, fifty of our family and friends were gathered at the door to the church, we milled around for a while, saying hello, and showing off our little bundle of joy, who was getting more sweaty and slippery by the minute.

Eventually we wandered into the church to be told by the priest that we weren’t in the book for baptism, luckily there were another couple and their baby scheduled so we were shoved onto their bill! There were five in their party……fifty in ours! To say they were a bit swamped is such an understatement!

Now I’ve had dealings with this priest before, he is outspoken, loves to hear himself speak, he’s already ruined my older son’s communion for me, oh, and Christmas mass! So when he took off his glasses started to pace up and down the alter I knew it was about to kick off! He began the first of several lectures, informing us that as catholics we were the only religion who loves children (I didn’t think they were advertising that fact now), I could feel my Jewish Princess (you know you are babe) friend shift in her seat, I was waiting for her to tell the priest that Jews love their children too, as she said afterwards,” We love our children, we smother them in gold!”

Then he continued to tell us we didn’t deserve this sacrament for our child as we weren’t devout catholics. The only reason I’ve had my weenies baptised is because my parents believe in it and if I didn’t get them baptised they would. Plain and simple. We’ve never used the baptism as an excuse to have a party, until now! The lectures were so bad it was all that everyone talked about for the rest of the day, young and old, even my folks thought he was extreme!

After the service, we popped into the sacristy to collect the baptismal cert, and my hubby handed the priest fifty Euro, “for the parish, father”, then he didn’t think we were “grabby, sub-human people”, no, pocketed the cash and then said how lucky our children were to have us as parents…..who’s the hypocrite?

We headed back to a room in our favorite foodie pub, the lamb koftas were fab! I’m sure some people started to drink then but the hubby and I were staying sober. While in the pub the ten or so kids invited had a ball, I’d made each of them a little goodie bag of toys, to keep them amused and they really had a great time.

My dad had just turned 60 a few days before the baptism so I’d arranged for a huge birthday cake for him, but being my dad, being a cranky old man, looking for attention, he left the party, refused to come back! So with my mum upset and embarrassed, she slipped away. I wanted to kill my dad, family rows and drama go hand in hand with celebrations, that’s why we didn’t have a big wedding.

Once we got back to the house, even before I’d slipped out of my heels I’d downed a bottle of beer! Then we headed to the garden, the crazy kids, about six of them ran riot in the garden, in and out of the tent while we sat and drank and had nibbles. There were only about eight of our favorite people, it was relaxed and chilled, it was a lovely way to celebrate the birth of our son!

So maybe the moral of the story is that the modern family is the friends that we choose for ourselves and that the way we live our lives and our friendships and relationships are what our children will look to for guidance? I don’t know, but I do know they are a much better example that a hypocritical group of old men.

Sex and housework!

I’m Midget Wrangler, I’m 34, and I’m a sexoholic! Apparently the fact that I’ve been with my husband for 17 years means we shouldn’t have sex! At all, ever!

Why? Surely we chose each other because we found each other attractive all those years ago? And now it’s still there, OK so we want to kill each other sometimes, but we easily make up with some lovely shagging.

Apparently though that makes us freaks. Now I’ll so admit that our relationship is OTT in the physical department, but then again I can’t imagine anything else, I can’t imagine 17 years without the sex!

Why when we become mothers are we supposed to give up our sexuality? “Oh, now you are a mummy (three times over), you have no sex drive and no fantasies or needs!” We are sexual women before we have the little ones, and that doesn’t disappear, why should it?

My friends take the piss out of my relationship with my hubby, they think it’s crazy! But I couldn’t bear the lows without the physical highs we have! I feel wanted and fulfilled, we play around with all the accessories, chains, planes and automobiles. And it makes us happy, surely that’s the most important factor!

Maybe I’m wrong, maybe a deep friendship would be a better basis for a relationship, but it wouldn’t be so much fun!

Cream Crackered

Sitting this evening, I was sorting the ironing, hubby was feeding (again) the baby, nine year old boy was reading a book and three year old girl was (supposedly) tidying her toys. Hubby asked the eldest to help her out, throwing his eyes up to heaven he said, “But I’m knackered!”

Horrified my hubby said, “young man I don’t want you using that word!” “Why?” Said my little guy. “Because it’s not a nice word”, replied hubby. Son looks confused then says, “What’s wrong with it? We say it in the school play next week!”

Needless to say I’m taking him out of school immediately!

I’m Scarlet!

Oh the Shame! Brought my little munchkin to Montessori today, after speaking to them yesterday about the invitation situation, the teacher grabbed my arm and said everything was sorted out, great! No not great, not great at all, they told the mother involved that my daughter was upset, so her son gave her an invitation on the way in this morning, as we passed her in the corridor I said hi to the mum, as usual. I reached my car, I was on my way to Dundrum (I know I live there) to meet a friend, and who walks over to my car but the mummy, I was trying to turn the key in the ignition and it wouldn’t work….bloody banger (it’s a wonder they let it into the car park in Dundrum), she came over to the window and did the universal windy down window signal, no!

As I opened the window and she bent down, she’s a lovely tall slender mummy, I considered speeding away (I so hate confrontation), She was of course uber nice, put her hand on my hand in an, “I understand your grief“, way, she was totally apologetic, totally missing the point that four other kiddies still aren’t invited and are upset! To her credit she was lovely, and I told her I hated parties, and she confided in me that she hated them too and was hoping that half the 30 kids she’d invited wouldn’t come, so now I consider her less of a yummy mummy! (On a related issue my friend and her hubby did vodka shots just before the twenty kids arrived on her doorstep for her sons 5th birthday).

So all was well, but I was mortified! Now I’m the mom who fights her daughters battles…which is so not me!

You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry!

I’m fiery, I’m an Aries, and fairly typically so, mood swings, really, really happy or really, really sad, quick to anger but just as quick to forget about it and move on! In particular I’m very protective of my children, i carried them in my belly for nearly three years when you add the three of them up, now I’d be a fool to invest so much time (and ice cream) in something and then just lose interest. So I get angry when my weenies are hurt, physically or emotionally.

Years ago when my eldest was about 18 months and we still hadn’t sold out and bought a car, we were on the bus, I had him on my lap so an elderly woman could have the seat beside me, after about fifteen minutes she slapped him! Apparently he had kicked her, accidentally as you couldn’t meet a gentler child (still), and she slapped him, now my hubby was sitting behind me and said he’d never seen me change to quickly, from mild mannered mummy to lioness! I was horrified and in shock at the same time, I gave her a piece of my mind ( without using any foul language) and then we got off the bus, that was it, now I’d seriously call the police! Really that is just random child abuse, and you know what? She was a nun. Surprised? I wasn’t.

Yesterday someone hurt my little princess, they didn’t slap her or hurt her physically but they wounded her emotionally. As the little people came tumbling out of the door from Montessori at one yesterday there was even more excitement than usual, and I cursed to myself as I saw why they were so excited, party invitations. Then my little one emerged, she wasn’t happy, she didn’t jump up into my arms as she usually does. Her little lips were quivering, and she burst into tears, she hadn’t been asked to the party.

Now, I hate these parties, the kids are three and four for Gods sake, why do they need these expensive day trips to play centres? Whats wrong with a family tea at home and if you want send in a birthday cake to Montessori for them to share with their friends? Am I a horrible person? I just think it’s a waste of money, these little ones would be equally (if not more) impressed with a couple of hours of undivided parental attention. It’s the problem of time versus money we are facing today, “I can’t spend enough time as I’d like with my toddler, I’m feeling guilty so I’ll throw an elaborate party for his/her birthday”. Guilt has to be the biggest drain on our bank balances, never mind our mortgages!

Now my princess told me she was the only one not asked to the party (probably not true as she can be a Diva, and elaborate the truth), but even if half the class wasn’t invited that just means there we seven little lost souls yesterday asking their mummies why the darling birthday boy didn’t like them. They shouldn’t be allowed to give out invitations if they aren’t asking the whole class, it’s that simple, most of the other mothers of birthday boys and girls hand invites to the mothers of the invited kids in the manner of a ,hand over so as not to upset kids that aren’t invited.

So today I spoke to the owner of the Montessori and asked that this didn’t happen again, I’m naturally quite shy and don’t speak up for myself ,but as i said I get annoyed when my cubs are upset and I’d do anything for them. They are gonna rethink their policy, but then the teacher took me to one side today at one and said that she was sure an invitation was on it’s way but that’s not the point I wasn’t fighting for an invitation to a party I don’t want to bring her to. Spending an afternoon with ultra skinny and ultra yummy mummies, sipping water or a skinny latte while they discuss their dental work or has Cannes become too common, is not my idea of fun!

Rant over, I told you I was fiery!

Party On!

Well it’s the big day, baby’s baptism day. Sun is shining in the sky so hopefully this is a good sign! Bathed all the little people last night , the clothes are laid out, and now? Well today my nine year old is in a sulky mood. So I’ve told him he won’t be coming to the party if he keeps it up! He’s so moody, almost like split personality, there’s my little boy and then this bloody sulky yoke that I don’t know from Adam!

I’ve to go to collect the cake now, my dad was 60 during the week so the cake is a birthday one for him, never really understood the reason for “christening cake”, baby isn’t gonna eat any and the mum is probably avoiding all cake (in public at least) trying to shed the jelly belly! Speaking of my jelly belly, while watching Dr Who last night with the family (very scary, actually screamed and jumped when the statue moved). My daughter wobbled my jelly belly and said, “your tummy is so wobbly mummy, look!” I was upset, asked her not to wobble the tummy but then I thought of something, well two things really, the first being that I do have a big wobbly belly and she was just commenting on reality and the second being my attitude to my body (tummy in particular at the moment). I do say negative things about my self, grabbing handfuls of flab and complaining about it. What is this gonna do for my daughters perception of her body?

So today I’m wearing my corset under my dress (otherwise I’d wind up wearing something I don’t really want to just to cover everything up) and I’ll try not to complain about my bingo wings!

The weather is lovely today, obviously God is pleased, just hope i don’t burst into flames when i go into the church! Yesterday my husband said we’d have to mime when the priest asks us do we reject Satan, seeing as we are such huge fans of Satan’s accessories, booze, sex and rock and roll!

Drink, Arse, Girls!

What’s your favourite curse word, what do you say when someone cuts you off in traffic, or when you drop your favorite mug (around that time of the month). I have a nine year old, a three year old and a two month old, so my curse words have to be by their very nature child friendly, having said that I do often have my moments, one particularly bad day when I was pregnant I was having an awful day and someone nearly drove into the side of my car, two kids in the car, me nine months pregnant, I lost my temper and shouted out the “c” word, I hate that word, I really do, but I said it, and my little girl said whats a “c” mommy?

So generally I try to stick to none specific words, Spongebob Squarepants has provided a few, barnacle head and tartar sauce being two of the best. My little princess is fond of Boobie head! Her favorite word tough is the “F” word, yes, that “F” word not the one loved by Fr Jack but the other one, she uses it in the same way her daddy does, it’s the seasoning on her conversation! We try to ignore her as all the books say we should, but it’s difficult, Sometimes I want to laugh out loud and other times I want to strangle her!!

My son who is nine has never cursed, he’s quite a prude actually, one night he was watching his favorite football team play and lose, he was nearly crying and he turned to me and said, “Mum, can I say the “F” word?” I tried not to laugh and said no, then i left the room and went upstairs to laugh! I hope he is always as respectful towards me, it’s doubtful though!

Which one is wearing fake tan?

My natural skin tone is blue, blue in the winter and red in the summer, well unless I cover up totally in a thick white layer of factor 50 sun cream. My little man is being baptised on Sunday and I am wearing a nice summer dress, so out comes the fake tan, I am not good with fake tan! My husband has to apply it for me, not just on the bits I can’t reach but all over cos I’m so crap at it I wind up looking like one of Willy Wonka’s little workers. My skin goes red in the sun and then orange with fake tan, I never get a “golden glow”, I never look like I’ve visited St. Tropez, unless the beaches in St Tropez are filled with people wielding water pistols full of orange paint.

So what do I do? Usually I’m so pale and quite happy to be pale but, for special occasions I do like to cover up the blueness of my legs with a bit of a glow. Maybe I should embrace my deathly pallor, it was very useful indeed in my days as a goth, maybe I should return to that! Give up on trying to look healthy and just accept that some people were born to be white!

Birthdays!

Yummy! This is the picture I have on the fridge door to stop me eating Cake! Seriously people actually pay for this kinda stuff, if I’m ever strapped for cash I could make the rent by sitting on people, weird but true apparently some gentlemen get aroused by being squashed by large ladies, only problem there is I’m so bloody polite, I’d be like, “oh, sorry, gosh am I squashing you”, which I don’t think I what they pay for. I suppose I could be the terribly polite large lady who sits on them.

Anyway, I so went of the point there,this post was actually supposed to be about kids birthday parties, I know I didn’t really pick an appropriate picture. As a mum to three kids, two of which have their own totally self sufficient social lives I am an expert on birthday parties. At about the time my friends first kids turned one we stopped going to adult birthday parties with booze, music and strippers (just the one party, a long time ago), and now the only party invitations that come in our letterbox have the Fimbles or Spiderman on them. The entertainment usually consists of a rather stressed clown or some poor teenager in a dinosaur costume, the food is either organic and hand made or so full of colours and additives you could see it from space, and the sugar in it means the kids will be climbing the walls for the rest of the weekend. As for beverages, it’s either, “oh, no, we wouldn’t drink at a children’s birthday party (yeah, you just don’t want to be sued of one of the kids falls off the (vomit filled) bouncy castle), or the dump the kids and there’s tequila shots in the kitchen!

I love my weenies but once they reach three their social life explodes, play dates, parties and after school activities, our lives as parents revolve around our kids plans, and I’m sorry but i don’t think it’s right. As a child my life just had to fall in with my parents plans, then once i turned thirteen or so I could have my own plans control over my own social life. But before that I went where my folks did, my brother and i amusing ourselves in the back of the car. I think it taught me a valuable lesson about being bored, that it happens, live with it. Our kids are constantly amused almost from the moment they come out into the world we are dangling bloody mobiles in front of them (not me, did it on number one son, he never slept, the other two have been deprived), then we throw ourselves into running the gauntlet of after school clubs and classes, it’s ridiculous.

It’s because we are time poor, we just throw money at every problem. If we asked our kids would they rather have an hour of our undivided attention or be dropped at baby kung fu for an hour while mummy sits in the car emailing work, or reading the paper I think we all know what they’d prefer.

A friend of mine was talking about his weeny the other day, who’s still a toddler, she’s been in full time (7am to 7pm) childcare since she was six weeks old, he was boasting that she was so social with other kids, that they were so glad they had “socialised” her at such a young age. I bit my tongue, I’m sorry but that is wrong, kids don’t benefit from socialising with other kids until they are about 12 months old, until then they need the undivided attention of at least one adult (doesn’t matter who once they are caring), they shouldn’t have to fight for it with five other kids. Also I worry about kids like this ( it’s an extreme case I know but with mortgages so expensive and commutes so long it’s not unusual) they develop solely around other kids, how does this affect their development, what does this mean for the future, for society in general?

I know loads of people who work and who took serious time out to mind their kids for the first six months then arranged one to one childcare for them, even though it wasn’t the easiest thing to do and it meant that someone else was the primary care giver to their child, witnessing the first step, word and tooth. These women were so giving an brave they did the best for their kiddies, not just throwing money at a problem hoping it’ll go away. The importance of socialisation for two month old babies is something we’ve invented because we can’t afford (or don’t want) to leave work for a year to mind our babies, and the people who talk about the benefits to the newborn are trying to salve their conscience, they know their kid needs one to one car but they can’t bear to think of their baby loving someone else more than them, they know a newborn in a creche won’t bond with the carers more than them. Now denying your child that first experience of love and affection, that’s selfish.

Sorry, mad rant, was meant to be upbeat!

Must be Soapbox Thursday.

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I’m posting on a new community blog type thing ……I know I totally suck with technology! So providing i can find the bloody thing I’ll be moaning, I mean writing a bit for http://forninepounds.blogspot.com/ and you should check it out, some interesting people posting stuff!